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December 24, 2011

My new friend, I think she might have gotten with the scummiest person I know. I know she has at least been spending time with him. I sincerely hope nothing more. But from what people are saying, I don't know. It's been bothering me. She and I kissed once, and we've been cuddly a lot, and I've always figured what she does on her own time is her business. but with him? I distinctly said, please don't do anything with him. Because he's scum, and maybe she is a contrarian. She missed my performance, another point against her, because she was wasted. It keeps running through my head, was she fucking around with him instead?

But let's go back to the beautiful parts, how we can wander through a city for hours, and it feels like not so long, and it never stops being magical. How we amuse ourselves by looking into windows, of storefronts, of houses. How we huddle together for warmth. How we lay on a beach and just experience what it is. Maybe I can push back those ugly thoughts, the uncertainty, or maybe I need to address it, or maybe it needs to be something that eventually and gradually fades away, if I can let it. I don't know if I can. But my friend, my bartender friend from New York he came back last night, and then I saw him tonight, a party his sister was holding with her neckbeard friends. I was quiet a lot of the time. My friend's girlfriend and her boring gay friend were around pretty much the whole time and I just don't feel much like myself then. I wondered why I found the gay friend boring, if it was because he just wasn't talking about the things that interest me, if it was because I was selfish. He kept talking about cops at the protests, and I thought if I were a less selfish, more interesting person, that perhaps I would be very interested in the life he is leading, going out and rebelling and causing trouble in the face of authority when I am too scared to do similar. I thought perhaps it was that he did not once say something funny, that being funny is one of the most important things to me in a conversation. Either that or charisma, or sharing some really insightful thoughts. I didn't really get much of that from him. Maybe a fault on my end. I thought maybe I don't relate to people in my age range, but then I thought of how I always have felt detached from people in all my ages.

My friend wasn't up for anything, most likely because his girlfriend wasn't up for anything. I thought of driving to some mutual friends' houses. Or just driving around anywhere. But then the girlfriend fell asleep, and the thoughts about my new friend, the one who I have the suspicions of, they came spilling out of me, and I felt like it was such a relief after holding it in all night. And I thought it'd be a self-indulgent waste, but then just hearing him talk about it, too. and i didn't feel so alone anymore, and I know that my azn friend felt kind of similarly, disgusted by the same guy I'm disgusted with. So hearing these people, feel similarly to me. I'm not so alone in feeling this way. And my world does not rest on this girl's ears. i have a friend from New York to share my world with. We sat in my car and listened to the Deus Ex: Human Revolution soundtrack, overlooking the blackened backdrop for the city lights, and I was normal again, able to speak again.