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November 25, 2011

I think school might be one of the most unhealthy things that I participate in on a regular basis, and I've been doing it for so long. I think after I graduate, I'm just going to work. I'd like to study programming, from HTML on up, but I think I need time away from school, to see if I get away from depression and into a state where I won't feel a need to have that guidance from an institution.

Thanksgiving break has been a lot of slacking for me, not a lot of work getting done. And one of the teachers prescribed way too much, a stupid amount, a foolish amount. But being away from school for this long, as of today, I'm beginning to feel relaxed again, I'm starting to work on things without the pressure of school. I've been organizing my cabinet, and for the first time, it's actually becoming manageable. I've been throwing out a lot of things.

When I see programs for concerts from school, 2008-9, I experience pain, a pang of sadness in my heart, that sinking feeling, that hollow chest feeling. I don't know why I feel that way. It hurts to look at the programs, and I have no idea why.

I've been watching Jersey Shore and Mad Men. There was a moment in Season 4 I think, when Vinnie and Snooki kissed in bed and it made me feel things. It looked really sweet and nice, and it reminded me of the gothgirl and me, when we were in bed the first night. How we were kind of nuzzling up to each other and she kissed me, and I thought it was a really sweet moment. A gentle moment. And then in episode 10, Vinnie talked about how that was like a glitch in the matrix when everything was how it should be and then it glitched back to the shitty situation it was before, because she was saying she was too drunk to remember, and she was pining for her boyfriend again. And that was too familiar, too.

These days, I keep her blocked on chat and I avoid her at school. If I have no choice, I engage her. I had a sort of final fight with her one day. By final fight, I mean it was kind of like the cap on everything after I'd been avoiding her. I saw her outside, alone for once, how I like her. I sat with her, gave her my hoody to keep her warm. Ran to my car to get a little strap she forgot on the last night we were together. Manhandled her, dragged her to my locker, fed her snacks, then walked away.

That was a while ago, but I never wrote about it. It was my chance to prove myself. And then on Monday night she texted me asking if I was going to be or was at the club that I was indeed actually at. She was there with her mean friend and some guy. I actually really appreciated that the gothgirl didn't neglect me for the sake of the mean friend. That's one of the things that contributed to the erosion of our relationship, and to have her be that friendly to me in spite of the mean friend, I felt like that was a credit to the gothgirl. It was nice. She fondled my arm, commenting on how she liked my shirt. We kind of danced playfully a little bit, playfighting like two pups. For the most part I stayed away, not to spite her, but just because I don't feel a need to follow her everywhere. I kind of ended up engaging another girl, a skinny redhead, and the gothgirl came by to kind of try to engage me. She was looking over while I was talking to this redhead broad. That felt nice, to have her look at me that way.

I kind of ended up dancing with both of them. Later I was kind of getting closer with the redhead, hands on her hips, and I think the gothgirl may have seen. I felt self-conscious about it. The new girl and her friend said they were going to get their coats and I don't know if I was supposed to be like "so do you want to fuck or whatever" but I just said goodnight. At least I'm learning to make eye contact and subsequently dancing with women now as opposed to before when I would just kind of ignore them out of fear.

I plopped down next to the gothgirl as she talked to other people and I hugged her to say goodbye, and I felt like she was instantly submitting to me. I ended up walking her to her car, neglected to help her put on her coat which I still feel stupid about because that's a move that I should always do because it's just appropriate, gave her a tight hug, ran across the street like Batman.

Sometimes it hurts to know that I'm viewing our relationship in a rearview mirror now. Sometimes I'm amazed and excited that I got to be with her since I always saw her as distance. A lot of the time, I just miss her and wish I could still have those nights on her bed, the sometimes platonic, sometimes romantic. Holding her hand while I drove and she told me about how she wanted to die. Relating to her like a real person, instead of being judged as less than. Those were secret nights. They were the real moments of our relationship, the ones that defined it for me. I don't know if she feels that way. But they were special to me and I still hold them dearly.