October 10, 2011|
woke up a bit too early, persistent thoughts of moving out, of the anxiety of that, convincing myself of it. when i get past what scares me for myself, i get scared for my mom and dog.
it occurred to me how much pain i'm in from the goth. and i am using that pain to propel me forward, and that makes me scared of overcoming the pain. even though i'm scared of it, too.
kept going over and over in my head a conversation with her that never happened and might never happen, in which i point out to her that we're not friends and that's why i've been "weird" toward her. because everything she has done, uninviting me, pushing me away, telling me she doesn't consider me a close friend, not seeing me outside of the halls, that's not a friendship; that's a situation you're trying to keep comfortable until you move away and can be done with it.
i'm scared of moving, but i know it has to be done sooner, rather than later. i hope it is good for my mother. that's why i know it has to be sooner, because it won't get easier.
anxiety about moving because it isn't really my ultimate goal, and it feels so big, and i feel so old. because i expect it to help fix problems, and i think it will, but i also fear it will feel like the biggest problem when it happens.
yesterday i went with my partner and his girlfriend to the park to practice. on the way there i mentioned that when i move out, i have a new goal, to make physical forms of my shitty internet art and gget them into a gallery. things like that are the things i'd like to do, and i fear just being overwhelmed with trying to live, and there being a long, long period of nothing but working and trying to live.
but i've been struggling to live for a long time, in another way. and now i'm just scared that when this struggle is out of the way, that it will seem even harder, that i'll be faced with myself finally, and realize i'm incapable of accomplishing anything.
and i'm scared of all the time i've lost hitting me like a wall. but i haven't lost time. time is what we live in.
going to see if the drugazn wants to go to the planetarium on friday.