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October 04, 2011

I so badly want to call my friend about the gothgirl but I think he's busy. I feel like I've been dumped. Again. This time hurts more than the last. Again, I am naive enough to think I can handle things through an understanding of precedents, but then she keeps one upping herself.

She basically shat on that night we had. Whereas I was kind of painting it in this flowery way, she kind of perceived it in this ugly disgusting way. Even though she enjoyed it. And and. She said how selfish I am. How much attention I need and how she avoided me because of that. And I had a fucking a problem with that, because then when I wasn't talking to her, she was unhappy. She basically demanded I talk to her. And it's fucking bullshit, and she's fucking bullshit, and removing me from her Saturday event was bullshit and she should fuck off forever. I'm thinking of removing her from my social networking sites, but I think that may be a move I do to hurt her. I cannot act out of spite. I have to act out of my best interests. I think she basically communicated that she did not want to see me at all anymore outside of running into me at school. Is that a bridge I just want to finish burning? I don't know. I really don't. I just don't know. I think she's taken me for granted so much, and that's kind of exemplified by her saying I need so much attention and her depriving me of it. And I thought I was doing a pretty okay job of hiding that part of myself, but apparently I just seep desperation. Ugh. UGH.OIHRWE That kind of hurt me the most, along with her saying that another reason she didnt invite me was because she was going to meet someone she might have a romantic thing with and didn't want it to be awkward if I was there. OH YEAH and that she doesn't see me as a "friend friend" because I'm selfish. Oh yeah and that she doesn't think I try to improve myself. Fucking bullshit. After the information I've shared with her, she delivers that line of shit.
I also told her how I had no reason to want to maintain any sort of relationship with her or justify my ignoring her because she didn't deserve it.

For now I'm leaving the lines of communication open. I don't see what good can come of it. Maybe I'm just so angry that I can't reach a good conclusion. I see her as totally ugly and horrible. She hurt me a lot again. It's my fault that I'm in this situation. it's up to me how I deal with it. I still want her like a dumb animal. She's taught me how. Just like she teaches everyone else. I feel so much anger and hatred for her today. Our relationship was unfixable after Saturday unless something big changed, and I tried to rebuild it as something else, but now the the truth is flowing both ways, what is there anyway. I feel nauseous, I feel dumped. I am so angry and I cannot stop being angry at her. And it's all because I want her, for some stupid reason that probably has more to do with how she's played me than who she is.
Ugh she takes anything good and corrupts it. She's so fucking dumb. I hope she regrets this someday. I need to be vindicated. Because I just feel like such a fucking loser. I feel so undesirable and pathetic. I feel like I have nothing to offer anyone.