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September 25, 2011

Went to Oakland for a barbecue on Friday. Made twenty dollars on the way there. Waited outside until finally someone opened the door. Since no one could hear me knocking.

It was nice to see friends, people who are weird, so they don't care if I'm weird. People who don't make much money but make enough.

Talked a lot with this one girl. Music student. Nice personality. Underdeveloped in places, due to her age, I suppose. But interesting enough. And nice.

Had breakfast in the morning at our older friend's caf´┐Ż which I am pretty sure does not have any sort of license to serve food. Rushed home to shower to make it to the gothgirl's birthday event. A lot of anxiety surrounded the event. She said it'd be a small thing, for her closest friends, and I guess she'd included me in that group, but then recently I've felt pushed away. I was scared the birthday event would come and go without me ever being invited.

I had emailed her to let her know I was bringing a friend, and that I didn't have a gift yet for her but I would soon. My friend's agreement to come alleviated much of my anxiety. I was looking forward to it.

gothgirl texted me, saying she was hungover, that she was postponing it till later, that she was worried about me and her other friend, and that she didn't want to deal with our issues. I told her there would be no issues. That if she didn't want me to come, though, that she should say that. Which is jumping the gun, but turned out to be true.

My friend, the one who was supposed to come, coached me on what to say to her when I IMed her. Instead of immediately asked what the deal was, I asked if she felt better. Eventually I got fed up during the discussion. She was saying how this friend dislikes me so much, and I said I am not going to her birthday to have a fight. But then I put it back in her hands, as my friend suggested, by saying it is not up to me or the angry friend if I come, it is up to the gothgirl. That was putting the burden of responsibility on her shoulders, where it belongs.

She said that it'd be less complicated if I didn't go. Not just because of the angry friend but for other reasons, too. I asked what those reasons were, and she said she didn't want to get into it right now. Asked if she could talk about it later, that she had to get ready.
"No. It's fine," I said.
She sent a question mark. She didn't understand that I was saying that I was through with her.
"Get ready".

She did the lazy copout of saying she's sorry she's such a bitch. She said she'd talk to me later, and I blocked her from IMing me anymore. I don't want her as a friend anymore because this crossed a lot of lines and hurt me. I'm not blocking her to get back at her, I just don't want to keep hurting myself by being involved with a girl who takes me for granted and disrespects me like this.

That night, I went to a club with the friend I was going to go to the party with. I was exhausted but I ended up staying all night. I became sympathetic to girls, and finally got it, why they get drunk and hook up so much. Because I was more drunk than I had ever been, and this Asian woman I was not attracted to was all over me. And it was okay, but I was mostly confused, and I was just going along with it. And then I wanted her to go away, but she kept following me, so the only place I was safe was in the front of the club. It was exciting because there were scantily clad women all around, and one of them shoved her ass onto me and it was very exciting, and then I tried to make lightning strike twice with another one but was unsuccessful. And then there was another broad I kind of danced near but was scared to really approach, but I think I could have. And it was exciting. I kind of understand why people have those asinine discussions about how drunk they were the night before, because it kind of blew my mind how drunk I was. But I know better than to post on Facebook about how drunk I was because it makes people look stupid.

I was supposed to go to opera at the ballpark today but my stupid friends didn't tell me when they were leaving. I thought of going to folsom street fair but was too anxious about practicing piano. I wanted to go to ladytron tonight but am very tired and didn't feel like dealing with the politics of acquiring tickets. To make myself feel better, I told myself that next time they come around I will plan ahead, and find someone to go with me. ladytron's new album is very good.