September 14, 2011|
Tired of feeling rejected. Had another girl give me the doesn't want to lead me on speech not that I expected her to be my girlfriend but I guess I give off that vibe. I must be like a Harvey Pekar type character or something. I must exude weakness.
I think… I avoided goth goyle, kind of playing an eye game when I passed by her, she hugged me when she had the chance, oh no. I got intensely weird and uncomfortable when I asked her where her locker was, and when she left I stuck a little sticker on it. My stalker angle used to seem somewhat in control but today I felt submissive and pathetic. I can't even play a weirdo anymore, I'm too weird now.
I'm always looking at her stupid name online, and always trying not to run into her on campus, but I do anyway. I just wish I wasn't in this position.
Today her roommate who I kind of dislike asked why I hadn't been around lately, sensed something between me and the gothgoyle, said it'd be cute if we dated, but I said she kind of said that's not going to happen. A part of me still believes something could happen. But I deliberately don't invite her places, because she has disappointed me too much repeatedly, by canceling and in other ways… I don't think I really have many readers, especially with how small Dairyland is becoming. I shouldn't be embarrassed to be this obsessed since this is essentially my headspace online. But I do feel embarrassed. But I shouldn't be. If the thoughts are there, this is not the place to pretend I'm too cool to have them. This is one of the few places I can have them.
I want her so badly, but I think it's all a game. I think I really want her because I feel rejected, and I feel like she cut me off, and I don't want to even attempt to do anything with her because I cannot fucking handle her saying no, or saying maybe and then no, or saying yes and then no. The only thing I can handle is her, in my arms, now.