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September 01, 2011

gothgirls trying to turn things back to platonic, which makes sense. i can't blame her. but i really like cuddling her so much

i kind of opened up to her after that, because i really had nothing to lose anymore, told her how i couldn't get her out of my head after that first night with her, and she told me she hasn't been able to get me out of her head for a year or something, and i kind of confronted her about how i feel like she puts me in categories and gives me advice that works for her but not necessarily for me, and then we ended up talking for hours, and now she knows my story, she knows about obsessive compulsive disorder, about my mother, about the fear of contamination, about the hoarding, about my binary life, separated between this prison and freedom

I felt so intensely vulnerable. when i told her, i said "this is all consuming" in reference to my parents not understanding, i felt as if i was finally at the bottom of a pit, the pit of my life, and this was it, the truth. beneath everything else. and i was letting her see it for the first time. i was a red mark at the bottom of this pit, emptiness, the pit of my vulnerability. the pit that no one can see except those who listen long enough. and she was listening long enough to hear me down there. i feel like i owe her something now.

i have been playing deus ex human revolution. i love it so much, and there are parts during it where i have cried because i've either been overwhelmed with how into it i am, or because a particular part just hits me as being especially powerful. it's so much of what i hoped it would be. i'm two hours past my bedtime but want to play it more before i sleep. i probably shouldn't. i probably will anyway.