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August 30, 2011

Dear Dairy, I auditioned for an ensemble here, along with some pianist I know, and the goth girl I know. I was kind of more worried the goth wouldn't get in, but then when I saw on the board that they both got in, along with a bunch of everyone else I know, I felt so upset. There is nothing to prepare me for the pain of rejection. I can never accept it enough, or look away from it enough. It hurts in unpredictable ways. I was embarrassed to be seen by anyone who auditioned and got in. It's such a petty thing, outside of my head. But in my head, I have plummeted back from hope. And I kind of can keep it together, but then I think of the weeklong trip the group will take later, and that's when I get too emotional and feel like I'll cry, because I wanted to have a way out of here, for a week, out of mom. And I feel cut off from friends. Especially with the gothgal. I almost told her I didn't get in, but I figured she would wonder if she got in. And she'd be all happy she got in maybe, and meanwhile I'd be moping. I just feel like a piece of shit. I feel like everyone has some sort of propulsion forward in their lives, even if it's not the right way. I feel like nothing changes. I feel like everything changes around me and there's nothing I can do to make anything change. I feel right now like just killing myself or something, just to give up because I've basically given up anyway. Might as well become debris, become the earth, become a part of a system that matters.

I just feel cut off, and I feel like a loser. I don't know how to handle any form of rejection, I wish it didn't affect me so much. Every fucking time I get rejected I lose it because I feel like I am nothing and that acceptance turns me into something. My thinking is flawed.

I kind of got fed up with the goth girl last night, Maybe because another friend was telling me how attractive I am and maybe joking about how she wanted to fuck me but whatever, maybe I was then kind of annoyed with the goth girl because I had another offer in front of me. But basically, she talked about how she felt like she had shin splints when she was running, and I said something to the effect of you need to ease off and she said something to the effect of I know what I'm doing, hun, and I mentioned how I had to stop running because I kept hurting myself and do other things, and she then proceeded to tell me everything I do wrong. and how I don't "push" myself enough, and basically giving advice after calling me an idiot incapable of saying anything informative about anything. I often get that sense from her that she sees the world one fucking way and that I have nothing intelligent to offer her. I just got fed up since that seems to often be the case. I have fucking things to offer, but I don't think she can even see all of them because she's so up her own ass about what she knows. And i've been working out much more consistently than her for a fucking longer time, and I'm not a fucking expert, but it's just fucking annoying to be spoken to in that way from someone who for the first time this past week actually started working out every day.

Last time I saw her things got pretty hot, but I still feel like there isn't enough violence in our chemistry. She kind of said maybe we could date if I fixed some shit in my life. I don't know if that was her way of telling me we can't date, but I think she brought it up. But again she thinks she has this leverage. That maybe I wouldn't want to date her because I've seen her do things that would make me very uncomfortable if we were dating, and now she feels that she was raped by that guy she hooked up with that night I left, and she's probably right, She doesn't remember anything, and I don't see much incentive for her to lie, but she acted offended when I said how I've come to expect her to hook up with people when I'm around. She felt like I thought she deserved to have that slimy guy on her, which I don't. But she has to step the fuck out of her head and see how this shit looks to someone else.

So my frustrations with her, my frustrations with getting rejected, being rejected from that group feels like a rejection from her, from a part of my social network. And it feels like a reinforcement of all the shitty beliefs I have about myself.

I've been getting a lot of positive attention from women lately, I don't know why. I used to feel like no one must find me attractive, and now my friends are always saying it. Maybe it's from getting older. I don't know why now. Never expected to kiss that goth girl.