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August 17, 2011

I feel as if this is a place that has been abandoned. The sink is full of clutter that seems as if it will never be cleared. The outside is oppressive and gray and that comes in through the windows. I figured I would stave off my feelings by playing video games all day which goes against my nature. As much as I like games, I'm not really into playing them for hours on end. It was a good distraction until I looked away from the television, and now I'm ready to go anywhere. I think I'm going to go South a little where it's sunnier, hopefully before it's dark. Goth girl hasn't been talking to me. I'm totally infatuated with her, and she probably knows. Maybe I made myself too available, and if that turned her off, it's her loss. Went to my friend's house last night and played L4D2 with her. That was a lot of fun. She kept suggesting we have sex on her mom's bed. Which I think was a joke? I don't know.

Things are really good when I have friends around. But my bedroom is like a prison that is escapable through ritual. But it isn't truly escapable because it still means I can't ever just be home and with friends. It still dictates how I live the rest of my life. I always must be out with friends. Obsessive-compulsive disorder has assisted in making me a teenager for much longer than I should be. Transient. Running away from contamination to be with the people I want to see, but inevitably retreating back into that dirty world. It draws me back into itself, that world of trauma and anxiety, that world of shaking. Caffeine and fast food to blot out the pain. Been eating less fast food lately because I'm out of money. Have to spend seventy dollars this month on Deus Ex: Human Revolution. Way too much money for a video game, but my friend gave me her PS3 just so I could play it, so I'm determined to get it, even if it means eating oatmeal instead of burgers. Maybe I'll lose weight. I don't know what I'll do when school starts. Going to try having just oatmeal for lunch and maybe fruit. I'm so used to eating way more than that though. Need to stop spending so much fucking money on food. It just goes away anyway.