August 10, 2011|
Saw Aaron Neville with my dad. We snuck in through the back. Was impressed by Neville. It was more fun sneaking in, though.
Went to a club on Monday with my buddy and his girlfriend, except I went alone while they were on their way. It was surprisingly comfortable. I felt like maybe I could go alone other times, too. Goth goyle showed up with a bunch of her friends which made me uncomfortable. She gave me a one armed hug. Wondered if that was a sign that I should back off. New York friend showed up. I've been taking her for granted.
Was telling the goth girl I had booze and she had to come to her car alone with me, and she was like ummm I think I need an escort. But then I invited her back with my buddy and she kind of pretended to not know where to sit, and I told her she could sit in the front or the back where I was, and she sat in the back, and I feel like she was playing the same game I play where she tries to ignore the situation and not make a fool of herself.
Anyway, she sat in the back with me and I was already acting like a drunk asshole, and she was drunk, and that's about when my buddy excused himself and his girlfriend, and the goth goyle kind of fell back onto me as soon as I had my arm around her, and it was so comfortable and nice. She was saying she had to go back, and I was telling her she couldn't go back without me or I'd look like a rapist when she leaves the car and I follow her. And then I kissed her and we spent a lot of time kissing, and I feel like she was growing more aroused while I was just into her in this really affectionate doe-eyed way. I looked at her face and felt glad to be with her.
"There's a song I've always wanted to have playing when I kissed you." She told me I wasn't supposed to like her. I guess she's trying to be single. She said how this isn't supposed to happen and I told her we're the two goths in our groups, and this is how it was always supposed to happen.
But whatever. I'm more into holding her than anything else. Later that night, I was in my new york friend's car again until early morning, and she was kind of talking to me about all the stuff that was happening, which is a downer, but it did make me realize why things are confusing with this goth gurl. I've been kind of pining for her for a long time in one way or another. I've seen her hook up with all these people, and I think on some level it hurt me, and then I stopped pining for her and sometimes I disliked her, and recently she and I have become closer in a platonic way. And even though she hasn't always understood me, she's always been willing to try. And I haven't given her enough credit for that. I'm not easy to get. I've had relationships fall apart because of that, but she's willing to listen to me. And because of that she has my loyalty to an extent. I will listen to her, too.
The way we kissed wasn't with our tongues mashing together but was very soft and gentle. She kissed me again on our way into the club, and I thought of that time I came to her birthday party and she didn't actually know I was there, and I stood across the street and waited for her to stop making out with this guy so I could go up and say hello. But she never stopped making out with him, and I saw myself from the outside, I saw myself kissing her as if I was across the street, wanting to talk to her but she was too busy sucking face with this asshole.
I've told too many friends about all that's been happening with her because I've been excited and starry eyed, but I think that has been a mistake. If she kisses anyone else in front of them or me now, it won't just be me that realizes what's going on inside of me. There will be all my friends kind of being like "oh man what's iiv thinking". No one actually calls me iiv. I'll be thinking that it hurts, but I know I don't have that say over her life unless I'm willing to give her a commitment. And I can't do that because I think I've kind of been in a relationship with her in my head already. I've been dumped by her a bunch of times in my head every time she's kissed someone else. I've seen her have late nights that would scare me if I was with her. I've built up an armor to protect me from her.
And the next night I went to my friend's house who at one point told me to I should show her my genitals, but said I shouldn't unless I'm excited, and she was laying on me as we read Electric Retard. I wondered if I was being unfair to the goth gurl. But I don't think I should worry about it unless we get some clear parameters set up, and I don't foresee that happening for now. I get so neurotic about these things, but for all I know she could be having all kinds of relations with different people right now. That's okay. But I'd rather not know about it.
And I've told too many people things I don't want them to know, and I don't want getting back to her. I've been having trouble getting into sex in general lately so it might not be her that is making it hard for me. Maybe I'm just not supposed to be doing it right now. Maybe I'm too old. And one friend was so cynical, that I kind of had to remind myself that opinions are okay for people to have. I forget about cynicism when I'm all in love and stuff. It sucks when I excitedly tell someone something and they start saying everything that's wrong with how I feel. I'm such a cynical fucking asshole that me being lovey dovey should be a relief for anyone, they should be glad I'm naive for once and excited to be cuddling a nice girl.
I feel embarrassed about letting people in. I feel scared that at her party tonight, the goth gurl might get with someone else, and I'm not scared of being hurt by that. I'm practically expecting that. I'm now more scared of our mutual friends seeing, and being embarrassed, and seeing how stupid I look, being all in love with this girl that I could never hope to hold onto.