July 17, 2011
19:15
Dear DAIRY
My confidence isn't so great at the moment. I had an acquaintance kind of lead me on so I'd give her a ride, and I addressed that I was still pissed off about that, and that she should pay me in the form of sexual favors. But I don't really care about sex that much. Not with her anyway. If she gave me like some money I might consider it even, or bought me a video game or something. I just don't like being lied to. Anyway, that unfortunately put me in the crosshairs because she seemed to think I was really concerned about getting with her, and it basically got me rejection in various forms. I hate rejection and I try to avoid it always, but I walked right into it. She said mentally she felt okay with getting with me, but not physically. And that I hate myself too much, and I talk about my feelings, which she doesn't like.
Which is what I knew about her anyway, so it shouldn't bother me. It shouldn't make me feel inadequate, but it does. And when she said "physically" I thought she meant I'm unattractive which I really have a hard time with, but she said she didn't mean it in that way. So that's good. I can't handle being called ugly/fat/unattractive. So on.
But it made me go into this emotional spiral. I've been kind of getting really close to another friend, and along with that I've developed some romantic feelings for her that I don't actually anticipate going anywhere. But they are there, and even though she says she thinks I'm very good looking and all that, she also talks about crushing on other people. I guess I just want her to crush on me, too. I think I would be okay with that, getting that validation. Because at the moment, after this whole rejection deal, I feel like maybe she doesn't have those feelings for me because our relationship is too close, too friendly, too honest. And I am now creating a fictional situation in my head that isn't worth dwelling upon. But I am dwelling upon it, a situation in which my honesty with her makes her want to be more honest with me while shutting me off as a person who she is attracted to. And I hate that because the more she has shared with me, the more attractive I've found her, and I wonder if it's going to be this way for the rest of my life, that when I share more of myself with someone, it will always make them think of me more as a platonic friend as I grow more and more interested in kissing them. I hope she isn't like that. For my sake, for the sake of how I view her. I guess I've kind of elevated her. Because she is really special to me. I actually say nice things to her that I just do not say to other people. I'm like a stone for the most part, but she makes me comfortable enough to open up. I guess I don't want her to be like "those other girls". Which may be stupid. But that's how I feel. And this is my dairy. So that's all.
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