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July 13, 2011

Been staying up late with my friend from high school/new york. Went to club, danced together, stayed up in her car talking till 4 am again. Gave her a massage. Have been playing with myself a lot less lately which is really weird. Noticed that happen before when I felt contented in a relationship. Didn't know it happened with platonic relationships, too. Maybe it has nothing to do with relationships and instead has something to do with how content I feel in general. I adore her in a lot of ways. Which scares me because I've been looking for things that are wrong, too. I hate that part. Noticed she was louder than I like during a movie and I'd probably get really sick of that if we were together. But mostly I just wanted to touch her. I also felt bad when she asked me not to do things. But that's not her, that's me. I can't stand criticism of any kind, and she asked me not to scream in her car in the nicest way possible. But I still felt bad even though I felt like I'd made a mistake as soon as I did it. I've been very grateful to be able to spend time with her because she's something special that I didn't know I could experience anymore. She makes me feel like I'm in that dark place again from long ago, that dark comfortable place where my feelings are real. She asks me questions and tries to understand what's going on, and then she does understand. Last night when I hugged her instead of just letting her hug me I returned it. I've felt comfortable enough to tell her that I really appreciate her being here. Is there fallout this time? I guess there could be. I guess me wondering that is potentially creating fallout. And it doesn't really matter if there is, and it isn't worth worrying about. If it will happen, it won't change now, so I should try to appreciate now.