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June 02, 2011

Catsup, the ugliest way to spell ketchup.

I've been nonstop watching Dexter and pornography. All I really care about is watching Dexter. I have anxiety about worrying I have cancer. Need to see doctor.
I was looking at pictures of myself that I found, from when I was a teenager, and noted how goofy I seemed, how much of my personality was a mirror of what I wanted to be, Marilyn Manson.
And I still want to be Marilyn Manson. I wish I could be Marilyn Manson more than anything. I feel like such a shortcoming. But I wonder if that is really what I want, or if it's just something I think I still want because I'm afraid to let go of my past selves. Because, perhaps, there is nothing left to hold onto.
I don't know what else I can be. I don't feel like anything I do would ever make me equal or better than that. Like my entire life, no matter what, will never be as good as that dream that I barely believe in anymore.
And I try to do art for the sake of itself, to enjoy it, but it all comes down to wishing I could be that beautiful, and never knowing how to be. To be so admired, to be so powerful, to be so much of my life. I wish I could be that still, and I don't know how to get it.

I try to work on just being a better me. But I don't believe in me. Because me was always leading up to a point that I don't believe in anymore.