March 19, 2011|
I forgot all about how hard it could be to function. I forgot how it would sometimes be so hard to focus on work that I could only focus on instant gratification. I mean, I still haven't done much on my own time. I still am afraid of that, but for school, I've been good.
However, the past few days I think I have been depressed. For a time i was manic, then I was depressive. I think they might be related.
The weekends are the hardest even when I am not depressed. If I don't have a reason to leave this house, it is hard for me to do so. Today i stayed in. It is almost 9:00pm. I just got out of the shower. Today I did go for a walk with my dad. Said he's been getting tests for cancer. Hope he doesn't have cancer. I hope he and my mother are around for at least another twenty years. Even twenty years seems really short. Too short. I can clearly remember events from almost twenty years ago. The rockstars of my adolescence are growing old and dying.
Aging is a brand new process to me. It always will be. There is nothing to prepare me for this.
And there is nothing to prepare me for growing up. Because I think I desperately need to grow up in some ways, but the only way to know what is important, what values to hold, how to become a better person, is to grow. I have been in stasis for a long time. I don't want my parents to die while I am still this child. I want to show that I am beautiful. Not to just be under them, and to see them go my whole life within their whole lives, without becoming the person I think I am supposed to be. I don't think they know me that well because I haven't grown on my own. I don't think it's fair. I still fall for the old movie tricks of an ideal world. a world in which justice is even. In which no one grows old and unhappy because if they are still unhappy, it is just a part of their arc, and it will resolve itself before the end comes.
My mother is supposed to help me with the issues related to my computer. Apple suggested we go into the store together and talk to a manager. A high risk situation. Because of my fear of being touched by her, having her touch my stuff, having her touch people in that store. Severe contamination possibilities. High risk because i fear confrontation. This sounds extremely uncomfortable. I don't know what to do.
Talking to friends who aren't therapists isn't helpful. One kept telling me how i feel sorry for myself. How I have it all in me to help myself. But then i felt afterwards, i felt so responsible for everything wrong in my life, that I felt so guilty, for not fixing it right that second. I mentioned how I used to blame myself for everything, and she said that was another form of feeling sorry for myself. I didn't quite grasp that but I do now. Maybe I need to rid myself of all forms of blame. But I feel like i have to blame someone. Because i feel like theres stuff wrong. and the only way I understand this stuff is by hating myself. To tell myself that it all rests on my shoulders. even though she said I shouldn't blame myself, her words ended up with me feeling solely responsible for my troubles, and with a burden that is too much for me to carry.
I want to write to my grandmother and ask her what the world felt like before I was born. She knows what the world was like before even my mother was born. As i grow older, life seems ever more transient. Her time is long for a human, but so short compared to human history, and even shorter compared to Earth's. There's so little we experience. Older generations die out, people who can comprehend a length of time that no one else can, who know what it was like before anyone else did. The people before them all died, too. It seems so unfair. It seems so unfair for time to be this way. but it is. We are all here out of luck. We are very fortunate for the sensations we are allowed because we are not entitled to any of them. None of our lives is a given. Nothing can be taken for granted because it can so easily be taken from us, and eventually will be, sometimes eventually isn't so far off.
My cat died. I always thought eventually, that we would be able to get out of this joint. That my life would grow, that she would be growing in it. Her departure… hurt me. it hurt me to feel that I failed her, that the life i dreamt of never happened for as long as she was alive.
That life I dream of is something I can't take for granted. Her death taught me that.
I don't know what to do with that knowledge. I only know school.