January 28, 2011
04:37
think my friend is trying to friend zone me when i was on the verge of getting her. I mentioned how I liked her outfit last week and she acted kind of weirded out then asked if she should wear it on her date with this poindexter.
i'm addicted to making new friends. like the thrill. but ultimately closer friendships are pretty rare and for the most part i don't feel like it's safe for me to open up to most people because i think they'll be burdened by my problems. that's the way it's been with some friends.
My mother told me my cat died while I was at school today. Said she took my cat to the vet. I don't know if she expected that my cat would die there, but she didn't call me. because she thought I was busy.
I wasn't too busy to see a part of myself die off and leave. I wasn't too busy for that. I wish I could have been there for her. I don't know if I was good enough to her. Whenever she was under the house and crying I would wait for her and call for her. And I would protect her from the new cat my mother bought whenever I could. But I don't think I paid enough attention to her. Or pet her enough. One time she tried to come back into my room, and she got freaked out because the new cat was in there, and she ran away. A couple days ago my mom dropped my cat on the floor and it hurt her, and I called my mother a bitch. My mother got this other new cat, and it had my cat constantly freaked out, all the time. I think that's why she died. I think the new cat probably attacked her again, and her heart couldn't keep up with it. I'm angry at my mother, but I can't really tell her I blame her because that's a guilt that I don't think most people could deal with. But I do blame her. She should have never gotten another animal. I wish my cat could have been happier. I wish she could have been comforted. I don't believe in an afterlife for anyone. All she had is that pain. I hope that in some way I was able to keep her from feeling so much pain. I wish there was some way I could reach out to her now and make her feel better. But I don't think she exists anymore. Only a body exists.
My life is wrapped up in my mother's bad decisions. I am wrapped so tightly that the good parts of my life are turning black and dying off. My cat was a friend who could come into the house I live in when no one else could. She was my oldest friend who could do that. She was alive in the nineties. She met my girlfriend from over ten years ago. When it was just my cat and her brother. She went missing for so long, and eventually showed back up. I feel like part of my life has left me. I wish there was some way we could understand each other. So she could know I love her and miss her. I don't think cats know that sort of thing even if they're alive. I wish she could know I was grateful for her existence. As I entered my house last night, before I knew, I reflected on what I was grateful for. Thought of how much I appreciated my dog, even if I wasn't necessarily aware of it fully. I knew I did. I thought of how I appreciated that my mother was around, though I wasn't in the house yet, so I also thought "who knows". I appreciate that I had an old friend who loved me.
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