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December 30, 2010

I am tortured. Lately. I keep mulling over the friend who encourages me to to stick to the visual arts, since I'm so great at that, and discourages my anxiety, and I keep thinking about how I am worried I will not pass one of the music classes for a second time and will therefore have my music degree ended, and I think of how each time she asks about my grades, hers are always higher, even though she studied less, and how she thinks I should just stop the music, and how scared I am that she's right. I mean I know she's wrong. I know even if I suck, that it's what I want to do. But I'm worried that I suck too much, and that I'll be removed. forcibly.

Since I've not been in school lately, I've been practicing piano every day. Not really practicing, no particular goals. I just play Over the Rainbow and feel melancholy, and then I go over arpeggios and scales a little bit. During the semester, it was so hard for me to practice scales and arpeggios. I didn't even touch them near the end. It would feel like a great struggle to get my hands on the keyboard and my eyes on the paper, like my skin was made of tough leather. It's much easier over a break.
I was playing, and I thought of my mother, and how I wish I wasn't so afraid of her touch. Because I use this shitty, out of tune piano. and I'd like to take it with me wherever I go, but I feel like, when she passes, I won't be able to take anything of hers.
As much as I despise much of what she's done, I think I love her, but it's hard for me to even type that. It's much harder for me to ever say to her. I shut down around her. I wish I didn't.