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December 28, 2010

Hi Dairyland. I want to talk to my friend. But she is asleep. So I'm going to tell you this.
Lately I've been stressed about a paper, negotiating with people at Apple about an unhappy experience, and negotiating with people at Staples about something similar. The paper is out of the way, but I hate dealing with corporate entities so much, I hate it so much it makes me so stressed out.

A school buddy IMed me and asked how I was, and I sort of threw in the thing about Staples. And she asked how my grade was in one class, and I mentioned how it worried me. I was trying to keep these things under wraps, but I guess I felt too comfortable talking to her, because I said them. And she basically told me to stop, and I said she has nothing to worry about since her grades are fine, because she's passed levels beyond the class I've failed.
And then she said she had to leave, and she left.

And then I felt stupid, I felt deluded, I felt alone in a way, at least in that moment, but I felt like I couldn't reach out to anyone to make myself feel better. I just had to sit there. Feeling stupid because school makes me feel stupid, feeling whiny and pitiful because I expressed that anxiety that's always in me.

I feel like friends are hard to come by. For the most part, I put on a front because I'm scared of things like this happening. And I don't want to burden people with my problems anyway. That's one of those rules of Satanism. But then I wonder when exactly am I supposed to talk about them. I can't tell when I'm exchanging information in a healthy way and when I'm just, being a pathetic mess.
I know I hate it when people just complain all the time. I've just been really really stressed out. And I know I shouldn't be. Of course I know I shouldn't be. I mean, I would choose not to be stressed out if I could, if that were an option. Of course I would choose that. Of course I know it's bad to feel this way. It feels bad.

But it felt really bad to be told to stop, and then told goodbye. I feel like I placed my trust in the wrong person or the wrong conversation.
I'm still scared I won't pass that class when I retake it. I'm still scared of talking to those corporate people. I'm still consumed by anxiety and I want to hide.