October 26, 2010|
Today has been long enoguh for two days. A lot of good things happened. I know they might become fragmented and unrelated as time goes on, so I will write about them, so in the future I will know they all happened in the same day.
Money has been scarce for me. In the past ten or so years, my mother's role has transitioned from caregiver to caregiver on credit to creating debts via caregiving to not providing so much anymore to actively taking money from me. I have less than a dollar right now in my bank account, and that is partially because she took money out of the payment I get for being a retarded.
This morning, I was in a spiral of worry about money. Usually I have felt better when either at school or work, but this time, it was just consuming me, and I had to ask the girl I keep fucking if she could lend me money. She would probably have given it to me but I don't like to ask for donations. I will accept them but generally don't like to ask for money to keep. So she lent me some money, and I almost cried because I was talking about how fucked things are right now.
i saw the goth broad in a practice room and went to hug her, wanted to hug all the people I liked, usually am too shy. Think I'm emotionally vulnerable. So I've been more inclined just to grab a person and squeeze it.
There's an awkward broad in one of my other classes, who I've wanted to get to know, and I'm in her group, and I got to know her for the first time today and it waas really cool because she's kind of strangely neurotic. I want to feel unique, and I think feeling unique validates suffering in a way, but it was assuring to hear someone talk about how much she doesn't want to work because she doesn't want to ever talk to people, and how she's unsure of herself. We talked about birds shitting on people and we watched these desperate people trying to get people to sign up for their cause, and then a bird shit on me. I've always wanted to be her friend because she's seemed awkward and has beautiful hair and good taste in shoes and nice eye makeup.
we went to the bookstore and played with iPads, we played air hockey.
And then I saw the gal who attended one of my voice lessons, and I hugged her, and I was glad to see her and hear her sing. I followed her voice. We sang songs together, I talked to her about sucking dicks, we stared intensely at each other while she sang songs, and then the goth came in and I sang rock n roll suicide for her.
I was late for my class because I wanted to stay with her, the teacher was nice and British as always. During break I went to the main hall and saw the goth manning the doors to the theater for a concert, talked to her a bit, returned to class, and during another interlude I talked to her more, and then after class I saw her more, and we had a lot of fun. There was some other guy, too. And I got eat some snacks from the reception room before everyone, and she told me I make her feel like she's on drugs, and some guy got in her face to give her sweetness. she asked about whats happening in my life because the night before, i was in the bookstore parking lot, and i told her i have nowhere to go because i don't want to go home, and i showed her pictures of where i live. and she told me how she's experienced a lot of what i do. I heard the people singing happy birthday to Schumann, and as soon as I went to look, a man farted on me, and I immediately ran away. I didn't think it was too funny until I saw it from their po.v. And... and.... an old violin teacher talked to me, and i lied and said voice is my instrument even though I've got none, and I did doodles and ate cake with the goth and the guy and then I walked her to her car so she wouldn't be raped and she drove me to mine and I hugged her and I told her how much I like hugging her because she is cuddly. She is like a human caterpillar.
it was many many hours since the beginning, and i saw the girl i've porked again, and i took her too foodland, and i could have porked her, but her scents were incompatabile with me, but i couldn't tell her that, so i just went on my way. i think she was upset, but i can't really make myself do things i don't want to do. i have complained about her a lot, but she has been the only reason i've been able to eat somedays