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September 30, 2010

Just tried to kill a spider. Turned on the water, watched it flinch, watched it scramble, watched it get balled up, death imminent, wondered if it could conceive of terror or anything. It was large. Too much for me to think of throwing outside. But as I watched what seemed inevitable, I also felt a horrible sense of responsibility. I knew I was watching something sad, and I knew it could be prevented. So I stopped the water and used a plastic cup to extract it. It tried to crawl into the glass. I felt like a nurturer. I felt like I wondered if it knew how fucked up this was. If it knew that I wanted it to die.

Someone just called me ugly. Not sure if they meant it in a mean way, kidding way, angry way. Either way it is making me self-conscious, moreso. I always feel ugly. Lately it has been worse. So, thanks for that.

It was a post on a message board that prompted me to think of control. How I am afraid to do anything alone, to make decisions. I think this is what causes me to be submissive in discussions, to wait for people to be nice to me before I am nice to them, to feel like my life hurtles out of control along with my mother's, to feel like I cannot help her, to feel like other people's accomplishments are impossible, to feel scared of music, to only take jobs offered to me by friends, to believe in a power but feel incapable of accessing it, to make basic decisions alone, to approach people.