September 26, 2010
01:16
My cat just ran into my room in the first time in a long time. I guess it has something to do with the new cat my mother got.
Long night of wandering with not a whole lot in between. Went to a chamber music performance with my friend with whom my relationship is rapidly deteriorating. She got upset at something I said. Then I upset her more after she upset me slightly, then she became angry with me for asking for her to use her phone to find directions to where I was going next, because she wanted to use it earlier in a less sketch area. Once in the subway station, she went to check her phone, but my pride was hurt and I didn't care to be near her anymore so I just kept walking.
I was headed toward Zeitgeist because I thought that's where my friend's bar party was, but I got it mixed up with Edinburgh Castle. I wandered around toward Market Street, pretty sure of where I was going, but my memory was jogged when I called him.
His birthday event was full of lame people. He has lame friends. I think he and I should be closer. For whatever reason, he doesn't really kick it with me that much. The coolest guy there was a guy who might have been in his fifties or sixties and wore a Hawaiian shirt. Birthday friend and I agreed that we need to acquire similar shirts.
My self-esteem was pretty low from the earlier fight with the other friend. She mentioned how I should be losing weight faster with how much I exercise. I don't think she said that to upset me, and it didn't necessarily seem to in that moment, but I realized as the night wore on that I was convincing myself that I was too fat for anyone to find attractive, except for the most desperate and crazy.
I left early so I could catch a train back, but on the way to the station, I decided to check directions to see how far another friend's birthday event was. It seemed too far, but once in the station, I noticed that the other side was 4th street, which was where I was supposed to go, so I checked the times and almost on a whim, decided to head to the event. I texted her on the way there but didn't receive a response. It turned out that the event wasn't too far from another station so I figured if I didn't see her or hear from her, I'd just go home. When I finally reached the club, I watched from across the street as a girl who looked like the friend smashed faces with some unfamiliar dude. I thought of going over to say something once they stopped, but they didn't stop. I didn't know what I felt. I don't know if I felt jealous, but I didn't really feel like going there, so I turned around and headed to Market.
If theres a reason this sounds uneventful, it's because it was. The story is in the intervening moments. A good writer would talk about those.
On the subway back, I saw a nice lady looking at me, but figured it was my imagination because I'm too fat and ugly, and even if she does not think so, I wouldn't know how to say anything anyway. So I just sat reading my Bach book, and when it came time to choose a door to leave from, I remained non-commital. I was practically near the center, but ended up choosing hers, on the off chance she'd talk to me and we'd start dating.
"Excuse me", she said and then some weird moment of her acting like she saw someone she knew?
She wanted to use my phone, and I stood there like an elephant as she did. She crossed her legs and seemed flirty, and I figured she loved whoever she was speaking to.
She handed me my phone and as I descended the stairs, she called to me: "Thank you. Have a good night."
I turned around half-heartedly. "You too."
I kind of kicked myself, because even if I didn't do anything else, the least I could do was say what she said to me, first. I could be friendly, and decent.
When I'm interacting with people, though, I get locked up in my own thoughts, maybe my own ego, unable to think of the best way to handle the situation and instead wonder about them, about myself, about everything but the conversation.
I secretly hope that she will find my number from the other person's phone and call me.
and then we will do it.
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