September 07, 2010|
A little less social lately. Friend called me today. I was kind of focusing on practicing piano, and she called me and went on a tirade about how miserable she is, and then it was quiet and I didn't know what to do, but I felt very tired and unmotivated afterwards.
She always seems unhappy lately which I'm not saying is something to feel bad about, but it does affect me negatively. Usually I can't tell since I haven't been doing much lately. But I saw how it affected my mindset today.
I decided to stop having relations with that one girl for the second or third time. Lately I've been really angry at her all the time. I think it's beginning to relent. But I've been annoyed by her since she acted like I fucking owe her something, sexually. It was obnoxious and stupid. She posted in her LiveJournal about how the universe owes her this. And I was just so turned off. I'm not the fucking universe. I'm just a person. She's also pretty annoying in general, which I tolerate openly, but lately I haven't been able to tolerate it. She referred to her cats as kitty katties. What the fuck is that. Normally I consider that annoying stuff to be tolerable since she's otherwise a decent person, but after seeing that ugly side of her, it's like fuck off, jeeze.
Another friend chasing dreams in the form of products. Miserable all the time but always wanting more.
I feel like everyone is misled. I'm not saying I'm not negative or misled. But it doesn't mean I can't see that other people are.
So since I've begun school again again again, I've been kind of content not to wander around and talk to people.
Last semester I began very focused, almost manic, but it simmered down and by the end I was almost paralyzed. That may have been due to stress with the Humane Society taking the dog. It may have just been me.
I am trying to remain more focused and practical. Not getting too caught up in my emotions about working. Trying to think of it in a practical way.
So far, I feel less worn down when I'm working on schoolwork. I used to feel like I had to be doing other things. it has been easier to focus on the moment, to realize that building my knowledge is a part of a fulfilling life, rather than a distraction from one. While working outside today, I took notice of the plants. I was aware that the different worlds I live in can exist alongside each other.
I suppose a lot of this stems from reading about the tao. I'm not sure how to refer to it properly. But it made me think about how much I think about myself in all situations, how much my ego interferes. I have gone between hating myself and being too full of myself, but didn't really see the benefit in getting rid of both sides. I do now, I think.
I'm less social lately, and I'm fine with it. I thought seeing fellow students over the summer would make school more fun but mostly I dislike them when they're in their groups/cliques. I realized I don't much care for groups. People are less interesting then.
my cat has skin problems and needs a vet. but we don't have any money. my mom can't take care of anything
dog needs a muzzle so he can walk
i wish i had a mom who wanted to make things better.
i think my mom thinks better is only in the future. she thinks that by working to accumulate more money, that better will come. so she doesn't work for it in the present
sorry to talk about that again.
thats why im here
scary music guy at school noticed a big improvement in my singing. what a wonderful compliment