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August 10, 2010

I keep feeling like crying, even when things are good.

The person I've been fooling around a bit with confessed to having feelings for me, and I knew I had to stop doing those things with her. I have been in that situation before. It makes me feel badly. It makes the other person feel badly.

On top of that, I began feel the weird biological issues that happen whenever I frequently spend time inside of a person. I feel like they have to come with me everywhere, and that is a kind of slavery. Because I feel guilty if I go out with other friends, if I do something alone. Just a chemical thing I don't like. It upsets me.

Yesterday, I was very sad, and hung out with her for a bit, and we kind of got into a tiff, and I took her back to her car and cancelled everything we were planning, and she apologized. But I said no big deal. Because it wasn't. I just felt empty and sad inside, and I felt like crying. And I was just more easy to push away than usual.

So I made a conscious effort not to bring her to two events, and I felt kind of mean about it even though I shouldn't. I went to a club last night for a friend's going away night. I really didn't want to go unless I could go with someone. Fortunately I was able to. I am glad I went. One of my friends was being warned by the bouncers to calm down, but he kept getting crazier and crazier. He was like dancing in front of the bouncer like a boxer, telling him off, mimicking him. My friend's girlfriend was distraught. So I, and Bob Dole II, tried to drag the friend down the street as he fought me, jumped on top of cars, climbed onto walls, etc etc. We got him a sports drink to hopefully diminish the effects of the alcohol, and he heartily threw it at a passing garbage truck. He kept screaming and shouting. The cops shined a light on him. He was trying to stay under control but was just out of control. We probably spent two hours walking around since I didn't trust him to get back in a car. Even as a passenger. At the gas station, he kept talking about "that black dude" and sometimes said nigger, which was exceptionally uncomfortable because of all the black people around. And then he was talking about his allegiance to the white race.

Whenever we thought he had calmed down, he would go nuts again. We would tell him not to talk to anyone and he would scream at them. We found a secluded spot for him to urinate in and he was yelling the whole time.

Eventually he calmed down more, but he didn't have his keys. That was a moment of calamity but resolved itself when his gf used her own set, and he found that his keys were in the car the whole time, ha ha.

all in all, it was one of the best nights ever. I loved feeling like I was surrounded by chaos, and even if he got in trouble, I probably wouldn't. Whe nI got back to the club, one of the bouncers mentioned that he appreciated my taking care of my friend and said he would have gotten me a drink if I had come back in time.

Then today, I went to a friend's birthday event at Dolores Park. I could have invited the girl, especially since she sort of knows people, but I hate that feeling of guilt, and I need to rid myself of it. At first, as with most events, I hated it, but it got better. When someone was going to the store, I went with him and this annoying stoner. We ended up going to a food place where the goth girl who always makes me nervous met us. I've always thought she was really pretty and wanted to like fuck her or something. Or at least know she's willing to fuck me so I don't have to feel insecure. Since I didn't have my car, she ended up driving me to the birthday girl's house. She was very open about her sexuality which I respected but which I also feared might mean I am utterly unattractive to her. I don't even need anything to happen .I just want to feel like I'm not ugly. She was really enjoyable to talk to. It was like the first time it was just me and her talking. I asked her, "Are you crazy?" because she has a laugh like a crazy girl I know. She said she wasn't but I don't know if I believed her.

I've always felt like she disliked me because she tends to ignore me on our internet interactions, but she didn't even know we were Facebook friends, which is weird.
On our way back to her car, it was dark and she asked if I wanted to hold her hand in a silly way, and I said yes in an excited way but I would have been into it. On our way to my car, she told me she's experienced anxiety, too. On my way out of her car, everything was nice, and on my way to my car, I felt like crying again. When I walked into my house, my mother said hello, and she was smiling, and I was glad to see her smiling, and I felt like crying again.

I invited my friend to a club next week, so she will know she is still my friend.