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August 04, 2010

It occurred to me that my difficulty with creative endeavors may stem from feeling that I must be successful in order to survive.

This thought process came from the following thought process:
iPhone developers make a lot of money
I wish I made that kind of money
Maybe I should make an iPhone app and make money
but the effort required to do such a thing would guarantee a sure thing
i should step away from that, even though i would like to learn about programming

Step 1;
escape the panic mode

My mother is snoring loudly
My room looks better than it has in a long time. It is still a process of reorganization
I feel like I am escaping my mother's grasp more every time I change something for the better
I want my mom to live a long time but I fear she won't, but I want her to.

If I can escape the panic, if I have regular income, and am not constantly hanging over a dainty pile of dollar bills, experimentation may be more enjoyable, less nerve wracking, less death defying
or death making

when in new york i loved it so much, but i felt like even if life began that day, it was still so late, that i'd missed out on the best parts

stop feeling this way stop it

love every slacked off moment
love the years of fucking around
love yourself