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July 28, 2010

So a week or two ago, my mom's doctor told her that she needed to go to an emergency room. She refused because she was tired, and so I told her to make an appointment. I told her that I would be able to take her on any day since it's kind of important and I can rearrange plans if I need to.
Today, paramedics had to be called for her when she went out grocery shopping. Again, they suggested she go to the E.R.; again, she refused, "promising" them that she would make an appointment.

I hounded her about it, and she tried to distract me by getting me to get the groceries out of the SUV, as if I'd be incapable of doing that if she answered me. I asked why she isn't in the E.R. I told her she approaches her health in such an American way, reacting when things go wrong rather than preventing them. I noticed how bloated her arms looked. Every time I drive her SUV with her in the passenger side, I notice how fat she's gotten, almost comically huge. She was annoyed with me when I commented on her health.

I looked at my room. I spent like ten years without decorating anything because I felt like everything had to be stored away in boxes. I never really took care of my environment because I wanted to leave as soon as possible. Yesterday, while searching for my slide scanner, I put all my negatives away in a safe place, I tacked some photos to the wall haphazardly, and I put up some books to relieve the strain of my crates. The books are decorations, I see that, and I see why pretentious people take pictures of food they're eating with books they're reading. It gives me a greater sense of self and where I've been, what I've learned, to see them standing up in the open.
I asked her what would happen to me if she died. Would I just be homeless? She said "let's worry about that now".
I guess it was tacky of me to say that, but I don't think it was. I'm scared because she seems to want to die, and there seems to be nothing I can do. So I want to know what will happen to me. Because I don't want to die.
I want to find a place to live as soon as possible. There is no time.