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July 22, 2010

I feel pretty stupid because there is someone I once offered to photograph after she put a call out for photographers. The first time was on MySpace, the second time was yesterday, and both times she ignored my response. I figured I'd ask again because we seemed to get along at a party so maybe we were on good terms or something. I don't know if she thinks my work sucks or what or just doesn't like me or what.

I was kind of pumped when I had the opportunity to bring it up again. I haven't photographed anyone in a long time. There are specific types I like to photograph, and I think she's kind of pretty and fits that image. I don't think someone has to be pretty for me to photograph them, at least not in an alluring sexual way or whatever. I just have certain types I like to photograph, and she is one of them. There are a lot of people I see that I'd be into shooting but I don't know most of them and I feel like a weirdo for asking, so I just don't shoot anyone. I guess I want anyone I shoot to be my friend already.

It would have been nice to photograph her. Not stupid posed photos but photos that reveal a kind of soft spoken world that is candid and honest.

One of my friends likes being photographed to the point where I feel like I've done enough with her. Maybe I should go back to her.

I feel increasingly irrelevant. Getting the opportunity to shoot someone new that I want to shoot would be kind of like the world opening its arms to me.

I guess that's what's "wrong" with how I see art. I treat it as a savior and in the process it turns on me. If most people experience the pain I experience with music, they tend to quit. They say "I'm not really good at composition" or something about how they're not that type. Even people who can play instruments. I can't imagine letting it go. It's really weird because my creative output is next to nothing.

I love music so much that it is like God to me. Whenever I work on music, I am trying to become God.

I wanted to be a rockstar, but I'm too embarrassed to admit to that now, but I'm still attracted to performance and music as a form of expression, but I'm still afraid of everything. Nonetheless, the past few days I've been hacking away at a song for my band. I don't even know if it will be finished. I'm trying to enjoy the process, not be fixated on the product. I think one of my mistakes is the fixation on product. I don't see an endeavor as worthwhile unless it ends up as a product.

My artistry is compromised by my desire to be an artist, to be legitimate as an artist. It's very hard for me to enjoy making anything because of the anxiousness I feel. I believe I've mentioned how it has begun to creep into other corners of my life.
I went three years without drawing comics because, even though the comics suck on purpose, I felt too anxious to draw them. Not to mention I still need Photoshop.

I suppose this Summer has been good artistically even if I haven't released any musical products. I've been working on sound daily and been releasing my ugly comics regularly.

My musician friend seemed really puzzled by my hesitation with music. "just do what sounds good to you." well not a whole lot i do sounds good to me. I don't improvise on a guitar the way she can. I draw notes on a screen. Everything requires too much thought. I should do more Logic tutorials since this is a problem. I know how to do a few things a little but, but nothing really with a high level of skill.

The problem is my own stupid perspective. If I could stop thinking long enough, I could make some goodness. I think I would like a bandmate to work with. Right now I have a guy who makes beats, but no one to trade other, non-percussive ideas with. I think that would be very helpful. I hope I can find someone like that soon. I asked my friend if she would like to contribute her guitar skills to our song but she sounds busy. I might be making too many excuses, though. I should send her a song.

I don't think musicians get what it is to be who I am. I'm not a musician, I'm a weirdo in a brown trenchcoat looking into the music store, my genitals pressed against the glass.

Today I am accompanying the friend I've been fucking to a music lesson or something. I should stop fucking her but whatever. I am into the idea of a relationship but not with her. Kind of bad relationship material, but nice friend. Fucking seems to confuse that. On Friday I am going to a cemetery with a big goth chick. I think she is more into that stuff in a morbid way and I see it more as beautiful. If I die, I want to be buried so the Earth can swallow me. Not covered in stuff to keep me untouched. I will rot like everyone else, which is horrifying to me, but if I do that thing, I want it to benefit the world. I don't believe in an afterlife, so it's important to me that if I really do become a non-conscious being, that if I forget my entire life and that I as I know it ceases to be, that I will be able to become part of something bigger.

I deleted the comment where I offered to photograph the person. It looks like I took my ball and went home, and that's pretty much what I did. Don't care. Why should I put myself up there just to be ignored. It's embarrassing, and if she sees that I was embarrassed, then that's fine. At least I limit the amount of people who see.