July 04, 2010|
I've been fucking around with this person, but it's kind of pointless in a lot of ways. I feel like she doesn't understand much of what I'm about and that our bond is either sexual or friendly, but never both at the same time. She can't detect when I am annoyed, and she seems to think embarrassing people is how friends get along, like by uploading candid awkward photos of me to Facebook. I don't like it, and I am pretty up front when I say "I don't like this." I think she might have deleted it, though.
I kind of feel like I have never had a relationship with anyone who was right for me. I've been thinking back, and all of it seemed based around some infatuation, but not actually some relatability. There was Synthia, when I was a teenager. I kind of think she conformed to me, though. But we were helplessly in love with each other and kind of like male and female versions of the same person.
I think maybe growing older, we become more separate from people, which is healthy and all, but it is lonely, too. Relationships seem kind of pointless. I only know one person who I feel really connected to, and she isn't attracted to me, she lives far away, and I don't think it would work anyway.
I look at younger people, I think of how hard it seems to relate to them, but it seems hard to relate to people anyway. I would like a proper girlfriend, but who the hell can I relate to? I feel like a recessed power button.
Overall, I feel better than I did the last time I wrote here.