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June 24, 2010

Been watching Persepolis all day. I keep dreaming of really bizarre country rock songs. I record the part that repeated in my dreams, and then I don't know what to do with them.

Went with my dad to some concert in San Mateo. Was too cold. Looked at flowers.

Decided to finally replace my mother's rolly chair mat that is all ripped up. Shit kept falling on me in the process, I bled in the process, got dirty in the process, found something I didn't want to really find in the process. That is really the crux of why I'm so messed up today, stumbling upon things I wasn't supposed to find. Or maybe I was supposed to find them, maybe I am supposed to be this way.

But finding it made me realize how much of how I am today is not my fault, if fault is to be assigned in the first place. I have this terrible guilt, for not being good enough, for not working hard enough, for being messed up. But I think I should feel that I deserve to be okay with being screwed up. Not that I deserve to be screwed up, just to be okay with myself.

My guilt is so big that I don't think about it that much anymore, but it's ever-present. I think? I think I have guilt always. I used to hide that I have obsessive-compulsive disorder, and now it is easier to tell people about, but there is still so much shame with myself overall. I shouldn't feel shame. I wish I could stop feeling shame.