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April 13, 2010

At my last musicianship class, the teacher cut me off when I began an exercise I thought I was doing okay in. I feel like it totally psyched me out, and I feel totally incompetent, like it doesn't matter if I study because I'll be stopped anyway because it will suck.

My friend isn't talking to me again, I think she's mad since we had a tiff last time we spoke. It seems like ever since we met, that she's often mad at me for something. Feel like it's the end of everything. I don't know who else to talk to if she goes away. But it feels like things changed and now we are not good like before. I was kind of worried that meeting would corrupt everything. She always seems mad at me.

I paced back at forth at school like a disturbed ant, hard to function felt totally broken. Got some food, but I think too much salt and sugar in food, and I feel wired, but so stressed. I keep thinking about my dog, and the thoughts make the back of my head ache, make my heart beat fast even when I'm not wired on anything. I can't stand the thought of him dying, but the longer he's away from us, the more I feel like that's what's going to happen. I don't know what to do. I'm so distraught over this.

I wish I could cry a lot. I wish I could cry so much. I wish the world didn't feel blistering, like sunlight burns my skin off. I wish I could take my dog for a walk to burn off some excess energy since I didn't run this morning.

I discovered that Lamb of God by Marilyn Manson uses a similar theme to Hurt by Johnny Cash/NIN.

Please please please let us get our dog back. I miss seeing him when I would come home, I miss giving him hugs when he was lying around, I miss when I would practice piano and he and the cat would come in the room and sit by me, I wish that PHS could feel the pain I'm feeling. I wish that everyone involved with this at the Humane Society could hurt the way I do right now, so that they'd know what they do to people.

I wish my friendship was undamaged. I wish for my dog to come back.