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April 10, 2010

hey internet.
The humane society took my dog because he somehow got out and someone said he killed a cat. If it is found that the cat was killed by a dog, they will either put my dog down for being vicious or accept a payment of $350 so that we can defend him.
I think that is pretty wrong. If a dog is vicious enough that they are willing to kill him, then I don't think it is fair to say, "well, we will reconsider for a fee". I just think that's totally unethical and disgusting. I am very worried for my dog. I am trying to be optimistic because it is not like he attacked a kid or anything, but it's such a scary possibility to think of what they are saying could happen.

I got home yesterday to find a warrant for my arrest. It is because they, for some reason, didn't cash a payment I sent them for a fix it ticket. They want either $200 or to arrest me. I tried calling a few times, but got a voice message that said that I should try again later and then I got a busy signal.
I don't know. I tried to talk to my mom about it but she got annoyed because I was upset. I am upset because I feel so small compared to the bureaucracies. I am upset because I feel like money translates to power in such a clear way, and I see how people in power use money to keep the poor in their place, to the point that people can get their pets killed or end up in prison if they don't have enough money. I never thought it was that obvious.
I feel so disappointed by this society.
And then people talk about how they don't want the poor to get handouts, but I think that if you're poor, you get slapped in the face by everything else in society. Shit keeps piling up; one thing leads to another; and it becomes a cycle where the people are constantly being punished for making a mistake, or even for other people's mistakes. And then there is learned helplessness, where people will punish themselves without even realizing it. I think that anyone who talks about handouts has their head so entrenched in their own experience that they can't conceive of someone having it worse. I think they see their feelings and quality of life as being the same for everyone, and the difference can be measured by simple variations and scales and mathematics.

I tried to talk to my friend about how the last time I saw her, she was really antisocial and stuff, and she got annoyed I think, and went into mean robot mode where she complained about how everybody kept going to places she HATED SO MUCH and she's not obligated to "make the most of it" when she's around people she doesn't like.
I tried to explain how it made me feel, but she just thought I was pointing out her flaws or whatever.
I just thought it was shitty for me because it was my last night in NYC, and I don't have the funds to regularly visit my friends, and I wanted her to be there with me and my other friend from home, because it might be a long time till I see either of them. And on that night out, she kept bitching about how she wanted to go back, and I asked my other friend if she could go back, and then she got mad at me because I embarrassed her I guess.
It was just very important for me to have a good night that night, which meant spending time with her and my other friend, so it bothers me that her experience of the events was reduced to "I wasn't having a good time, so why should I try/stay/etc". I guess I would counter that by saying that she was there because I wanted to be around her, and I was there because I wanted to be around my other friend. That is all I wanted out of that night, and I couldn't really be there for everyone. She was isolated from the group, so I would either be with her or my friend, and she was often complaining about something.

She asked me last night why I refer to it as the last time I'd see her or my other friend, especially since SHE might visit at some point, but HE hasn't come down he moved to Brooklyn. I have also known her for eight years, and only met her once. And I feel very lonely here even though I know a lot of people. I know a lot of people, but I don't really do much in the way of socialization except on campus, and a lot of the time I feel completely misunderstood. So yeah, for the foreseeable future, it is the last time I will see two of my close friends, and one of them hated the experience and kept talking about how she wanted to leave.

I think it was a surprising amount of self-centeredness from someone who I have always known to be selfless, and I was surprised by her assertion that she wasn't obligated to enjoy herself, which kind of sounded scathing and ugly. I told her, I said that we, as a singular person since she lives in my head, should focus on seeing the other friend more than anything else in the room, even if it's a room full of turds we want to see him because we love him. And she said she doesn't feel that way about him, that she is another part of the brain that doesn't. If I had thought of it at the time, I would suggest that she perhaps cares about me, and if she does care about me, then my seeing my other friend is a good reason for her to deal with one night of lame bars and people.
I don't think we even had to deal with those people, we could just hide in our corner like three ducks in a row. No one has to consume our experience unless we let them, so the notion of having a good time despite them seems kind of silly, like we're focusing on the wrong thing when there's three great things going on. Plus, it was one night and I don't think that's too much to ask. If I approached situations the way she approached that one, I'd be bitching all day when she wanted to stay in because it was raining, and I'd be bitching throughout the Seder because it's full of old people and food that isn't so great, or maybe I would have called her when she was gone from morning to afternoon and complained about why she was taking so long on her plane flight, but what the fuck ever. I didn't want to fight about the rain, I didn't want to focus on the bad side of Seder and decided to focus on it as a new experiment, and with the plane thing, well, I figured she was mad at me, so I didn't want to fight, so I looked through all the expired food in the fridge to find something edible. There were any number of times I could have bitched about my experience, I could have complained the whole time about how the dog needed a bath, or how I needed new/more bed stuff, or whatever. I brought that stuff up, but that was how things were. So I think one night of bad music and annoying people was tolerable, and I still don't understand why she treats it like such a horrible experience that she should never have endured. I don't even like bars, I don't see the point, but I'll still hang out in one if my friends are there.