December 22, 2009|
I just watched let the right one in. It made me wonder about how I was at 12 years old. Internally.
I think I had a fragile and almost shameless sense of self. I would wait until something had gotten approval before I would like it. I would try to coincide my reactions to music videos with Beavis and Butt-Head's.
I would get self-righteous when I felt that I was being unjustly treated. I think this is how a lot of young people are, even through college. I think it's useful, but can also be ridiculous. Like caring about things that don't really matter that much. I remember getting so mad that a kid was allowed to wear his Nirvana shirt with the word "mother fucker" on it, and I was persecuted for wearing my Marilyn Manson shirt that said "I AM THE GOD OF FUCK".
I don't think I once considered the notion that it wasn't persecution, that it could have just been that I got spotted by different people than he did.
Because kids are stupid and expect adults to have the system set up so perfectly that there's no room for error
I think I think. It's so hard to think of how I thought then. And I was actually 13 when the god of fuck event happened… now that I think about it.
so 12 must have been where I was trying on a lot of bands, a lot of music. I think I loved concerts. I loved music.
but what was inside my head
I think I began cutting at that age, but it wasn't anything big yet. I wasn't doing it out of anger, but eventually it grew into anger.
and I can tell you
at 16 I was so self-centered. I refused to consider my family as mine. I refused to call my parents mom or dad because I saw them as numbers.
I don't feel that way now, but I still understand the potency of the anger I felt, because my life is still not my own, and my mother still controls me, and even though I have an entire free society at my disposal, I don't know how to escape.
I was thinking about it today, about how I'm in a prison. And sometimes it's so bad, so very bad. And sometimes, it's just business as usual. But it's always prison.
I developed a god complex, that I still sometimes wonder about, if it had any basis in reality, and my problem is disbelief.
I believed that I would be something great.
I believed it so much.
I took it too far. I believed that any decision I made was the right one, at 16, because I was making it, so it must be. That resulted in me acting like a jerk a lot of times.
I thought I loved her forever. From before our lives and until after, that love would be eternal. Forever doesn't really mean anything if you can't comprehend more than 16 years.
All my actions were justified, from lighting a girl's wall on fire to offending people in public.
There are degrees of justification, now, I think. I think my thinking is less black and white. Unfortunately, at a younger age, rationality is seen as weakness when you believe what you believe so fervently. I should have known better with how much I hated the Christian Right. Their biggest issue is a lack of humility.
I didn't play video games much as a teen. Picking up on that before and after. Never hated them, though.
I think in my younger years, I could have used humility and more confidence and less arrogance. Arrogance is misplaced self loathing. And when it is pulled out from underneath, it all falls down.