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October 02, 2009

i am on a see saw

the house is filled with no stimuli. just food. i went to the kitchen to find water, searched for stimuli. there is only food.

all these apple fritters, nutella, sausages, kirkland. none of it tastes very good. none of it is satisfying
she must have spent over 500 dollars after going to costco the last time
i keep going home so i can rest, or feel better, but i never do feel better. the more i rest the more empty i feel.
so i just want to keep filling myself because i am never full.

she buys tons of boxes of things we don't need. she buys 24 packs of V8 that she will probably never finish, a big case of sparkling water, she puts food and bags on top of other foods and bags, so that everything is difficult to reach, everything is unwieldy. she destroys it when i establish a sense of organization

she puts a big box of garbage on top of the garbage can so nothing can be thrown into it anymore, so it all ends up on the floor.
i don't bother cleaning my bathroom much. my mother is a force of nature
it will all go to seed

the house is creeping obesity. we buy more than we destroy. so it all creeps around us, touching our bodies which grow larger every year. the house grows smaller everywhere. when room is made, she sees it as a place to put more things. she buys organizational schemes so she can organize things, just more shit. just keeps getting more shit.

sometimes, when i talk to someone, i am smooth. i am human and i am desirable
but when i come back here, i KNOW i AM not in fact human. i am bacteria, i come from filth, i retreat into filth

that is why i feel like i am not worthy to be in side of someone, lusted after by someone. because i am a shameful dirty rodent.

i fly above the cars on my own cloud of pretense, and i shit all over them. i'm a (sea) sponge taking from the system. i give nothing back. they keep putting more and more into me, and i keep growing bigger, but there is nowhere to put what they put into me, to process it, to make it good. i just keep growing

i am a horrifying baby grown in the shape of a crib. i have a harlequin smile and i tried chewing my own umbilical cord. it's still there

when will i be a human begin
i want to be a human being
i want to be a human being
i want to exist
when do i begin