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September 07, 2009

Last night I took the dog for a walk. It's a five day weekend because of the school's furlough days, where they shut down because there isn't enough money. The staff is taking a 10% pay cut.

On my walk, I saw the man I see around the neighborhood a lot. A dorky kind of guy in sweats and sometimes a fluorescent thing, and he was jogging with his baby carriage as usual. I didn't want him to think I was going to kill him. It was just us in the parking lot, so I made sure to go out of my way to not look like I was going to fight him. I was glad to see him. I was glad to be out. I was grateful to have three different hiking paths near my suburb.
Today it is labor day, and I did nothing.
I spent all day procrastinating. I didn't do much at all. Did my half hour ear training practice.
I've been spending a minimum of a half hour every day on it. Because the teacher is so scary. He's mean to students who don't do well, and I'm sure he'd be meaner to me if he knew how I got into the program.
So far the workload is manageable, moreso than I expected. I just keep it up. out of fear, and that seems to work. I hate to validate how fucked up he is toward students.

The house situation is frightening. My mom's health situation is frightening. I'm angry at her every day and I don't know why. I hate myself for being angry.

I am very alone right now.

but i have some people at school. There's the nice guy who is helping me practice my musicianship. And I appreciate that.

And I am alone. still. I am not alone. I feel alone. I am alone in the sense that I want someone to share my life with. Even though I don't really like my ex as a person, it was nice, for a while, to go places with her. to share my secret moments before she exploded them for all to hear.
I liked sharing my life. I don't have much of a life anymore. I'm trapped inside my life. I'm a shut-in and I'm bitter. And the things that made my life are retreated back into their shell in the back of my brain, in remission and yearning to be woken up again.

my mom said, that if she had a gun when she was on the phone with the mortgage people, that she would have killed herself

i don't know what i'll do if i have to move. my obsessive compulsive disorder will complicate things. maybe all my things will be thrown out into the streets. maybe an will help me store things
i wonder what will happen to my dog

the house is covered in garbage. if they take the house, they will be disgusted by us.

i feel like crying a bit

i went all day eating frantically, unsatisfied. and then i finally feel ok when i eat out. because i feel like everything i eat is in pieces here, and i'm not satisified till i eat out. so i ate out. i ate fast food. afterwards, i sat in my car, in the dark with the yellow light from the laundromat casting yellow in places and making shadows darker. and i just sat, slumped, staring ahead. i thought of how old i look. and i wondered if i am an empty person. i wondered if i am vacuous. i don't know if my thoughts are interesting or if i am a person of substance. i stared ahead and wondered if my pain is real or if i stared because i'm just so dumb