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August 26, 2009

Dear dairy
Today is a day of worthlessness. Had to wake up at six for school. Sort of manic at the start. Liked the contrapuntal analysis/synthesis class, but then musicianship was next. And the teacher, who is also the choir director, was as mean as people say he is. I mean, he was not outwardly mean, but so stern that it was just like, goddamn it, goddamn it. It totally brought me down. Since I joined the music department without an audition, I guess that is a problem, because my name was not properly recognized. So I had to go to the office to get permission to join. Surprisingly, I got the permission. Didn't think I would. I still am super tense because I think they might find out I'm a fraud and kick me out.
Saw the lady.
I kind of felt ridiculous, like not a real musician. And i don't want to be a real musician. I don't know what i want to be. maybe I should drop out. I shouldn't drop out because it's so hard to drop back in, but it's something to consider when i have some more room to think. I feel like my existence is kind of pointless. I don't know. I don't think school is really helping me reach my goals, which are just to basically get motivated to do some music, and not suck at making music.
And i feel kind of okay with the music I have made, but I talked to an about it, and I felt stupid and more incompetent after talking to her, because she drove the point again about how to do what I want to do, I need to work on an instrument, can't just compose on paper/computer, have to spend all this time.
realized today that i have a fear of time. Maybe I've realized that all along. I'm repeating myself a lot lately, aren't I? Sorry.
I still feel like I'm playing catch up, but never can. So the idea of working so hard in school, for an eventual goal, rather than having that goal there all along while i work at getting better. It seems stupid. Like I don't want to play in an ensemble. I just want to be creative. I just want the tools to be competently creative rather than sloppy creative. Maybe I should be sloppy creative. I know I should be sloppy creative. I need to be sloppy creative because if i'm not, if I keep waiting to be competent, my life will proceed as it always has, which is not at all.
got dropped from a 3 unit class I needed to get full financial support. been trying to join more. tried joining two today, but was unable. super depressing. was a zombie by the end of the day.
Called the lady at some point even though I've been avoiding her. She was downtown.
went to sleep and texted the lady later, and she responded briefly, then ignored my stupid little comments, and then I reminded myself of why it was so easy to detach from her. every time i move in, she moves away.
today when i ran into her, she said we should just let our relationship be what it is, but i told her it was what it was, but it was interrupted. so it cannot just be, and that is the crux of the problem. that is hwy i recoil. that is why i let her contact me and don't bother with her. because bothering just makes me feel like shit because i'm treated like shit. so why bother. why bother.

so i just want a band basically i guess. i guess i should play with a band. i think i'll be happier if i'm doing music. even if it's bad. even if an thinks i suck. at least i'll be doing that. and if i get dropped from my classes, it won't matter as much, because having that will make me realize that school won't make me an artist. i just have to be myself.
so i should do that. i should do that. i should doooothat.
my friend gave me a playstation long ago, before he moved, and a small tv. and i moved a cabinet to my room and it helped a lot.
and now i have the game system hooked up, and it's so nice to be able to do something besides computer in my room now. i love it. good friend
writing in this tonight has helped me sort my feelings and i feel less sad, so thank you dairy

p.s. i do want to audition, just to alleviate some of this anxiety. i auditioned once and did not get in. kind of sucked. don't want to feel like that again. fear audition.
also been more awkward than a long time, i don't know. i'm so awkward now. i can barely talk to people. i can barely buy things from cashiers. it's so nerve wracking. i emailed stanford about a free anxiety treatment. haven't heard back from them. i think i'd be perfect for it.