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August 23, 2009

dear dairy
was debating all week whether to attend the house party event or opera at stern grove with poppa
and then my iPod told me i could do both!
so i did
opera was pretty boring. they just kept playing similar pieces, all with similar moods, all about the same old shit. at one point, a man stood up and said THIS HAS INSPIRED ME. I AM SO INSPIRED tTHAT I HAVE TO SAY ALL THIS POLITCAL STUFF right now and people began to boo him, but I found his interruption welcome. That is what opera is supposed to be, right? drama? and stuff. and riots.
even the faggy performers seemed perplexed. you're suppsed to be rock n rollers, and this is what you do. classical music and opera is treated so gayly.
after getting home, put the dog in his cute harness and walked him briskly around the block, showered and left for oakland, to go to a house i'd never been before, an gave me directions over the phone, super nice, and i walked into a magic show, and a girl leaned against my leg which made me nervous but then she had her arm around her girlfriend which made me less nervous, and then the girl from the hotel was there, and she intimidates me because she points out anything awkward or uncomfortable about the people around her, and so was one of the guys from the house, and he seemed really off, like i felt uncomfortable talking to him.
the hosts of the party were having a lot of fun taking their baby all around, throwing her up in the air, and it was so strange to see parenthood from such an angle. i mean i've known people who have had babies, right? at least they have i know them. but i hadn't seen it from this side, as one of the adults. and they were playing very old records, probably 40 years old at least, and they were dressed in clothes that could have been equally as old, so it was like another side of it, in terms of time as well, not updated for the present, but going back and seeing it as it was.
so this is what i saw, this is what the babies see, through their confused baby eyes.
i sat and looked through some stuff from their walls. everything was from 1976. there was a book about B�la Bart�k that came with a (3) record, and i read about him and i liked him from what i read, and then i tried reading some short sorttires but too hard to focus.
i sat and used a music cranked box, cranked it so slowly, watched the pins lift, listened closely, and as everyone left before me, the blunt girl was like tee hee bye, and she was doing it, and then she called me a creep. not in an aggressive way, but i guess she was doing the thing again where she points out akwwardness, and it was horrible. i was just sitting alone, cranking a music box, and oh god.
and earlier she pointed out how id idn't take tags off things, and i was like oH I DO THAT DON'T I OH GOD, and she's like IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL I DON'T CARE and i was like OH GOD OH GOD
on the way home, i thought of a girl from last semester that i was kind of interested in, and i've been thinking about her lately and i've wondered if that means we are going to know each other, and then i thought of melissa from my yoga class, and how awkward my interactions with her were, and how i was so sure i would love her, but i just made a fool of myself each time i tried to speak. UGH STUPID STUPID STUPID, so i don't want to try to talk to any females, because i cringed, i cringed over these years old events.