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August 18, 2009

I miss the lady a lot, but i keep thinking of all the different times I endured what I shouldn't have. I think of how she didn't want to be photographed with me because her ex might see, how she didn't want to go to a show with me because it might upset him, how she wouldn't come see me because she felt guilty, of how she considered our relationship inappropriate, of how I couldn't put photos of her up on my facebook account, to one of the very first nights where I couldn't sleep over and ended up sleeping in my car. Isolating myself has resulted in a sort of clarity where I finally realize what I have been putting myself through and how it has been hurting me. How I felt like a second class citizen even if she said otherwise. Words can't compete with actions.

Keep listening to this song. Don't know what it's about, but it just feels appropriate lately.

My mom keeps getting older and worse, and it is horrible for me. I hate hearing her try to walk. I hate that she constantly drinks soda that rots her bones. I wish she would stop drinking it all the time. I wish she would drink water and juice. I wish she would go outside once in a while. I wish she would help herself. I wish she would especially stop drinking it at night because I know when I eat crap late at night, I wake up and feel bad, so I think it must be important to be hydrated and good at night.

My dad has to go into doctor's again to be examined for prostate cancer. i don't know why I haven't felt like telling anyone besides my NY friend. But I figure I should tell my dairy.

I can't handle losing parents. I'm still not ready for life.