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August 17, 2009

Got woken up by an empty voicemail and can't fall backasleep.
Upset about last night. After the night before where the girl said she needed to sleep to think about how she was going to handle our relationship, our "inappropriate" relationship. Instead she gave me some words and a "talk to you late". By the end of the day, I grew tired of waiting and messaged her, to be told she was having dinner with the ex. And I asked what happened to sleeping on it, and she replied "I dunno. need more sleeping" and I told her to leave me alone because I'm tired of being strung along. And she never responded.

I want her out of my life. I don't want to talk to her, hear from her, or see her until she is ready to have a relationship that isn't dictated by this guy's emotional hangups.

So I woke up, and I haven't been able to sleep yet because my thoughts are rushing over these things, and I thought of how unhealthy I feel, how I just don't like who I am. I thought of different foods I could eat, to feel less shitty, and I don't know how to eat foods that aren't shitty. And I don't like myself. I feel like my body is damaged beyond repair. I'm fat, my ears are ringing, and I feel constantly nauseous, and it all seems impossible to fix. I'm a singer, and I hate the sound of my own voice, and I'm terrified of trying anything, so I can't do anything. I have so many songs half-written. I don't think they'll ever be finished. I don't think I'll do anything. I don't believe in myself even though that's all that matters.
I wish I could blow my head clean off and have a new one grow in its place. I think I've said that before. I want to start over. I want to start over. I feel like it's the end already. It's been the end for years. Like my relationship with the girl, it's been crawling slowly to its inevitable conclusion. I don't want to die, but I feel like I'm killing myself. constantly.