July 28, 2009|
Dear Dairy, I can't keep you private because if no one can read this, I don't feel like writing it. I feel like I need an audience for everything I do, and if I don't, it is meaningless. So I guess I will try to find a way to express myself and also avoid drama.
so I found out she fucked the ex, and that was a relief because I finally knew and could stop feeling lied to, and then I plummeted into depression, and then I decided to leave the house.
I haven't been writing here much, but lately, on my iCal events, I've been describing the events after they happen instead of just writing event name and that's it. Interestingly, I just do that for myself. But it's more important if people see that. So here are some of them!!!!
July 1, 10 PM
Bondage a go go go go go gooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hope this doesn't suck, sincerely. Friend ends up feeling depressed, the setlist sucks, and Goyle is feeling guilty.
July 2, 1245
I planned on lunch with Goyle, but she has to go to work, so I end up chowing on McDonald's and going to her house to play Majora's Mask while she goes to work. I end up sleeping for a long time with my head on her pants and pillow, played Majora's Mask, video chatted with An who watched me do silly things and watched me in the bathroom, When we are in bed, Goyle tells me we can't continue doing some things that we do, and I freak out and I have crises in my head, about myself, about her, and I cannot speak any more.
July 3, 0500
We end up sort of fighting, and she is crying, and then I finally touch her, and then we are kissing, but we can't have sex so I do something in its stead. We sleep well and I end up doing situps in her living room when I can't lie around any longer. She likes the sounds, and eventually I must leave. it is on a bad note at least in my mind because I feel like I keep messing up, like when I didn't pick her up at work, and when I forgot to say thank you
July 3 1300
Headed home to shower, then to find Dark Knight to watch at Tricia's house. We went to Costco to find batteries, went to Bed Bath Beyond for space bags and I bought a pink trash bin, stared at checkout girl's rack, oh my god, feeling oversexed, and then to Marshall's where I got a 4 pourt Sharper Image USB hub for 10 dollars. Went to Target to check bin prices, thought of Daiso, but decided to stick with the pink out of convenience, and the inevitably marginal difference in prices. Watched Dark Knight at Tricia's house. The boat scene was better than I remembered it because I noticed more moral ambiguity
Hear from Goyle that she loves me and the shit hit the fan, and we discuss things on the phone, and she told her ex she was seeing me, and I was glad she wasn't planning on not seeing me anytime soon.
Work on jew's show, get told to write a script that he doesn't like, sit around for hours while he writes one, shoot a barbershop quartet without any melody lines whatsoever
Mayhem Festival and free Slurpee day, end up going with jew since goyle made a promise to her ex not to see me, we drink free drinks, I see a high school friend who seems to be hitting on me and looks pretty cute, jew encourages me to get with her and I feel like it's what I should do, but I don't think my head is in the right place, and then she has a boyfriend anyway. Goyle calls shortly before Manson comes on, asking if she could make it in time, and I hold the phone up for Tourniquet.
July 18 2000
Second Annual Hoe-down. Ended up going alone even though I made some last minute invites. Hardly felt awkward once I got in, realized Oakland was one of my homes. Met a girl's mom and her extremely young sort of annoying friend. Danced to live guitar and banjo and tin drum music, watched documentaries outside, met Juanito who listened to my music on Angelina/Angeline's prompting. Juanito then offered to let me record at Ex'pression College. Met a baby.
Picked goyle up at her house, felt standoffish as usual, thought of not doing it, did it anyway, went to see The Hangover, cuddled with her and sometimes kissed her in different places, and she seemed okay with it, but when I went away for a moment, her body language seemed to say DO NOT TOUCH, so I didn't, and then I felt very desolate, so I retreated, too, and I dropped her off at home, and it sucked. Later it was revealed that her body language in fact meant touching is okay.
July 23 2100
Went to 1984 and realized everyone there smells. Kind of annoying.
July 23 2100
Bob Dole came by and got in my car, we picked up Donatello, we stopped by Safeway on the way, I got some blueberries and ate them all, we headed off we waited waited for so many annoying people to finish their songs, Leonardo sang first, Papa Roach song about how parents just don't understand, Bob Dole went up to sing Mother by Danzig, FINALLY, and then I went up to challenge him and I grabbed the other mic, and the Israeli and the azn I was checking out got all pumped and started dancing, and their boyfriends made them leave, and we rocked so hard
July 25 2200
Became severely depressed, went to bed at 9, wanted to stay in, get picked up by Master Splinter, head off to Die Maschinen, try to meet Heather but she doesn't seem to really want to meet you, feel awkward on the side of the dance floor, eventually warm up to it and stomp and jump around, encounter a fat black chick naked with a less fat white girl, and they put the black chick on the bar and spank her naked fat ass, and you watch and eat cake while Michaelangelo eats his cake in the next room, and it's not until after everything has transpired that you realize you feel scarred. See a man lying on the sidewalk holding up a light, realizing after looking a little, that he's holding a flashlight onto a book, and it makes him appear very human and you kind of wonder if that's a trick used to make people become more sympathetic, but whatever, so you ask Raphael if you should give the guy some money, and he's like, GO FOR IT, BUT YOU HAVE TO GIVE IT TO HIM YOU CAN'T JUST THROW IT AND RUN, and so I go over and ask the guy if he'd like some money, and I give him a 5, and I ask him what he's reading, and he said he was reading the Bourne Identity or something??? And I nod my head, and I left him to sleep, and I drove Leonardo home since he was way too drunk to drive, and we go to Denny's where he is especially humorous and we use the claw machine, get frustrated, we go to bed, and he wakes me up way too early. We watch Angry Video Game nerd videos, and we watch Dinosaurs, the episodes about… the vibrating baby and grandma death we go to McDonald's, we go back to his apartment and fall asleep and wake up at the same time, and then watch some more clips, and then he goes to pick up his comic books and I go home.
July 26 2000
Go to goyle house, say something to upset her, she doesnt want to make bread anymore, keep her from leaving, go driving, she gets some ice cream, go driving, you're kissing, and she comes, and then we park next to a park, and then we're kissing, and then you drop her off and then it's over until iChat
July 27 2000
Meet goyle at Target, then she helps you return the USB hubs to Marshall's, head to her house where she makes the bread and you kiss on the floor for a very long time, and then go see Mark for Thai food at 11:35 where she doesn't kiss back as much, and then in the car she reminds you that she wants to make things work with someone else, and then you grow quiet and moody, and then you tell her how it's a mistake, and then you sit in front of her house and upset her with the truth, and you tell her how you want her very much, and then you kiss her again and she's evasive again, and you ask why you have to restrain yourself, and she says because she asked you to, and she leaves and you feel stupid, and you don't want to be alone and you want to be noticed, so you try to sleep in front, but she doesn't really care, and you feel stupid and lame for sharing your feelings, and so eventually you decide to head home and try to salvage what shreds of dignity you have left
So that's my life right now.