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July 11, 2009

dear dairy
i guess i was reckless because i treated this as a real dairy where i could be uncompromising in what i say for the sake of expressiveness but knowing that people have access to it, some of whom i write about, i guess it can't be uncompromising if i actually care about them. because i got interrupted during my last entry and talked to my friend about my problems, and that is when the lady saw the hateful angry entry (the one i blanked), and that is when she was very angry with me.
i sort of went numb, like "oh god i've fucked up and there's nothing i can do to fix it" and so i kept trying to show her the interrupted entry, but she didn't want to see and then she did, and it confused her

this dairy is like a pillow that i punch and it expresses all my insecurities and all that ugly shit.
and even though i've said some hateful and angry stuff about my ex girlfriend, the really young one, i don't hate her. i just was hurt by her, and i think she was young, and i think that i let something keep going that i should have stopped. since i was the older one. but i didn;t have the balls. so i don't hate her, even though i seem to. but sometimes i get angry because she hurt me a lot.
and i'm well aware of my anger and why i feel it, so i go on these diatribes where i say exactly why im angry in no uncertain terms, and i guess it can be really hurtful to the people they're about, and i guess on some level i probably want it to be, and that's pretty messed up because it's like hugely passive aggressive.
i am fucked up obviously, and when i write these angry things, they are just ... not even intended to be taken linearly. the fact is, though, that the people they're about shouldn't take them at all. they should be kept to myself and an audience who doesn't know me.
so some of you know me, and so i guess i have to keep that in consideration. know my audience. and all that
there is a place for me to be crass and so fucking pissed off!!!!!!! because that is who i am
but it isn't where the people can see. i do it for myself, so there is no reason for them to see it because all it does is hurt them. and no one wants to take advice if it's being delivered in that way.
so maybe i will write an angry letter to someone, again, but it will go out to no one in particular. because it's inhumane to show it to them, because there is no filter. there is no construction. there is only pain and an internet dairy.
so to the last person who i upset, i'm sorry and i hope you disregard anything you read so that if we are still on speaking terms i can communicate with you civilly rather than from the id. id does no good in helping people we care about ok
id is for quake