July 11, 2009|
hi dairy. sorry to come back so soon.
i was going back, and i realized i only wrote about things that went wrong with her, and that's practically how i introduced the relationship I'm talking about, so I want to try to do a retrospective of it. because there was plenty of good in it, but i never felt inclined to write about it because in those good moments I was experiencing it. I didn’t need to release anything because I was experiencing happiness
So we spent about a semester together in a class where we never said a word to each other. I was curious about her since she was female, and she was curious about me because I was strange and wore the same hoody almost every day.
The next semester, we had a class together, and we still went without speaking for a really long time, but she eventually talked to me a bit about Death Guild, and as is the case with most social interactions, I was afraid of her. I remember she came out to sit by me while I ate a burrito, and I was nervous because I hate eating in front of people i barely know, and I could hardly finish it because she was there and I was scared of her. And then more and more we were talking.
One time I dropped by the studio while she was using it, and I was going to use it, and I asked her if she wanted to stick around, but she didn’t stay.
and then one time we walked to her car, and she drove me to mine, and she was terrified.
And then one time she saw me and she hugged me warmly outside the studio
and then one time we used the studio together, and then I rubbed her back
and we were open and frank about our discussions of sex.
One night, I went to Death Guild, and that is where she saw me, and she was happy to see me, and that is where i met her nerdling ex who already pried his little claws into her phone to tell her he was jealous of me. i suppose the corrupting influence was there, and continued to eat away at her as time went on, so even though i would rather ignore these bad parts for the sake of providing the happy elements, they are tied together in my mind, and since this dairy is a release for me, it is hard for me to leave them unsaid.
And then I went to her house, which scared her because it was her and nerdling’s place to share their past. And she was going to let me sleep in another room since I had too much to drink, but she was scared of being emotionally violated. and i went out to my car to sleep and heard a ruckus, and then there was fighting and i called the cops and didn’t feel safe anymore, so i went home, hopefully sober.
And then one day I slept there, and we hugged for very long times, and I felt very comfortable around her, and I liked that she understood mysentences. And then we would sleep on the living room floor together and wake up very close albeit uncomfortable.
and then i was in her room, and that is where it all became very close and very comfortable and wonderful, and then we were kissing, and then we were soon in her bed, and it wasn’t ugly. it was beautiful and it was becoming the happiest moments of my life for a long time.
and i found that as i spent time with her, i wanted to be a better person, not because of any pressure she put on me, but because i knew i didn’t want to mistreat her.and i realized that i’ve treated women terribly because i took each one on a one on one basis when it came down to how i treat all people. so i made an effort (and still am) to treat my mother nicely, to be more sympathetic to people, to have genuine compassion. on top of that, to better myself, keep my workspace clean (somewhat), to work out, to just improve constantly.
and she saw me how i wanted to be seen. she seemed to think i was special, that i could be an icon in art if i chose to go for it, and i admired her, too for being an artist and for the skills she had and the kindness she exhibited toward people. and the way sometimes we would get into these intense arguments, that resolved themselves through greater understanding of each other rather than a simple desire to let the topic die. i liked how she slammed things around without realizing it, but with this precision so she never spilled a drink. i liked how cool she was, and how i felt like she was cooler than me, and that was nice, and i liked how she’d pull out her guitar and look so hot, and how sometimes she’d walk around topless and wearing jeans and a belt, and she’d look so badass that i’d want to fuck her like crazy, or maybe get beaten up by her.
and she inspired me to keep pursuing art, and she offered to help me.
i liked her consideration for me, and my feelings, but how she didn’t coddle me, so i had to develop self-confidence without her reassuring me constantly. and i liked how she made me more considerate because she rewarded me for being considerate
oops this has ended early