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July 02, 2009

Im so freaked out about growing older. Like it's incomprehensible and I don't understand how time passes, how people trade generations, I don't get it. I dreamt that a girl I was involved with became my step daughter, and there was this weird fear that I was becoming obsolete. I hate the idea of trading roles, of being pushed up and moved out of my place to another place. Of having a child who can never comprehend that I'm just as much of a silly baby. Time seems to be getting smaller and smaller.
I want to be everything, before and after, I want everyone to understand.
Four years of my life were spent in years [they were spent in doors but i put years]�maybe it wasn't even ffour; maybe that was a part of the lie�and ever since then I have felt like I can never, ever catch up. I can never, ever make up for those lost years, and so I went from feeling like a young person to feeling very old, and constantly trying to get to a point where I can feel good about myself, where I can feel liek I haven't wasted my time, but those years are gone because of my fear of touching things in my moms house, because of my fear of touching my mom, and there is just this wall I am hurtling into, never to return, ever to return never never never!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It is so scary, I don't know what to do. Sometimes I want to kill myself when I think about it. like now. just get it over with! It is like when you think you are being cheated on, and you find out, and you're at least glad it's over! If i die now, no more fear no more aggravation about it!
I don't want to die. That's the point.