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June 10, 2009

I don't know what just happened or how to write about it, but I am frustrated and upset, so I think I will try to write about it in an effort to help myself.
Just might have ended a relationship as soon as it began. Less than a week of intense feelings. By tonight, we were laying on the couch, and she wanted to clear some things up, like if I would be exclusive with her, and I knew I couldn't do it, and then she talked about how she has been this mess, and then a person came along who made her less of one, and then I was the only other person to make her feel the same way.
First, it was that she couldn't have a sexual relationship with me anymore, and then it got to the point where she said the relationship would have to stop being open, as in emotionally open, and that is when I began to feel like everything was ending. And then I was sick of it, and I was upset and trying not to sound like crying, and then I could tell she was pushing me out of her private spots already as she talked about the other person and how much he has meant to her, and even though I had begun a section of the discussion about my feelings, she discussed his at length, and told me she wasnt talking about me when I tried to continue what I thought we were talking about. And then I was there on the love seat with her, and suddenly she didn't feel so warm in my arms anymore, and it was like my arms were wrapped around nothing, and I stood up and assembled myself, refusing to look at her, and she stood at the door after I left, and asked if I wasn't even going to talk to her.

"I have experienced this before"
I choked it out and I don't think she realized that she had hurt me, too, or maybe she did. And she asked if I was going to just stop being her friend or what.

"I don't know what I am going to do"
i didn't know what to do, because I hated to walk away, but she had already told me she would be eliminating our friendship as we knew it, as a close thing, so that it would be like all the rest that were there as filler, and I guess I can't see the point, and I don't want to experience that, and I don't want to be another one of those friendships while I watch her fall deeply into the drama that has shredded her to pieces and helped harbor her problems.

"I guess I misplaced my confidence"
she said to me. And I knew she was wrong, because she hadn't, because I cared about her in the moments before that. And I almost opened my big mouth to say that isn't true, or to argue, but she was walking away, and I have learned from my last relationship to stop stopping people when they are walking away, because I don't want to be pathetic, I don't want to buy into their tricks they play on me where they play roles to get me to play into them.
she asked me to send her a song, before all this stuff happened, and I thought about it, but I realized I'd be playing into my patheticness, my inability to let go by doing some passive act of extending the branch of codependence. by refusing to let go.
as i drove home, i kept telling myself not to drag it out, DON'T DRAG IT OUT. DON'T DRAG IT OUT.

She has been good for me, inspiring, encouraging. But I don't think things can be good anymore if the relationship becomes this simple thing of pretense. So I guess I gave up even though I didn't want to. She has other guys who never let her go, I DON'T want to be that. I don't want to be them. I don't want to play these games. I don't know what to do. Where else can this discussion carry her other than into his arms while everything meaningful about the relationship is held away, with pining, with all that disgusting pining.
How do I not IM her or call her or whatever?
I know the consequences, though, I know how much that last relationship ruined me, how refusing to let go made me hurt so much more.

I suppose I'm not angry at her, and I don't think I can be, but she refuses to be hurt, and so do I, and we are at an impasse.