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December 27, 2008

dear dairy
we talked, and i ended up making her cry, just by talking to her, so now i am trying to resist talking to her, but i keep adding her name to my buddy list to read her status messages.
her latest was about taking a bath, and i went to shower, and i decided to make it into a bath, since i couldn't share words, i could share actions. i bet she left just as i got in.
she told me she missed me
old age seems to be approaching rapidly.
i keep watching older films, slacker today, and i look for the actors names, the directors age. and compare their lives to my own. and i see how old they are now, in what seems like such a short amount of time
i wonder how they cope
and i think what makes it so hard for me to cope is that the scenery remains the same
when i heard that a member of nirvana was found dead, it was on the same freeway that i drove back from school last semester semester.
so time seems almost stopped, for a lifetime, and it is just a huge crunch between birth and death, and im frightened
refusing to talk to someone is a sort of death, a sort of treating them as if they are dead, but i don;t want her to be dead
if she talks to me, i'll talk. because i want to, but i'm not going to be the one to take the first step to push her into emotional turmoil. it's easier for me to resist that than it is to resist talking to her
i want her to myself, but i know there is so much toxicity in our relationship
i want to feed her my heart
i go into a weird mindset, when i talk to her, when i check up on her, of monogamy, where i feel wrong talking to other girls
maybe it's more of a part of my personality than i realized
but for now it won't work
i told her, if she ever needs to break up with him, i will fuck her, to help her keep from being alone. but she needs to escape that, but i'd rather she escape a bad relationship than stay in it. i think i'd be giving her another bad relationship, but hopefully not worse than that
as i drew the bath, my mom banged on the door, worried that i had died
my life here is restricted because any change attracts attention
my life her stagnates
i dont do anything
attracts too much attention