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October 19, 2008

It is a bit tragic and frustrating to me how I keep scarring myself. I think almost everyone does, when we see the new thing coming out. With me, it's the iPhone or the MacBook Pro. Before it comes out, it seems almost impossible for it to exist. It's too novel, too exciting, and then when it comes out, there's the hype, the excitement. Then it either comes into my hand or someone else's, then someone else's, then someone else's. And it's hard to hold onto that same excitement anymore. The wound has scabbed over, and there needs to be something new to be exciting.

I don't like that at all. I try to remind myself of how great some things are, but it almost always takes reminding. It's hard to hold onto the excitement of the first time.

How the compliment that someone once said about me, that meant so much to me, becomes less potent as she says more, how a teacher (one of my favorite person types) might say I'm a genius, or maybe my work will be acknowledged in some way as good, and I try to hold onto that feeling, that pride I feel when those compliments are given to me, to hold onto that affection I have for a person and my appreciation for the love of a person, and it all gets washed over for the next new thing. I want to be cut open again and again, it's so exciting it hurts, but to keep our blood pressures low it becomes part of the background.

I finally switched schools after way too long, and it seems like now is the time when I should be motivated enough to be working hard.

It's not working out quite how I wanted�
I'm lazy as ever. I want to do things, creative things, but I don't do anything unless pushed.
i thought it might have to do with adhd, but I think it might come down to depression. Which up until today, i figured I recognized when it came. Like a sad feeling, sad unmotivated. But I've also heard it said that depression doesn't always feel like sadness. Sometimes it's a loss of passion. for things we used to like.
i feel like everything i WANT TO do has to be short, or i cant do it. It has to be short, and instantly gratifying. That sounds less like depression and more of a dependency on instant information and feedback.
How do I rid myself of this dependency? I want to do more than I feel capable of.

I'm at the point where goals are supposed to be realized, or I thought they were. But they never were.

zoolander might say at this point 'who am i'.
I feel like that. That old clich�. Who am I? Why am I here?

sometimes a shotgun blast to the face sounds like the quickest feedback, the instant gratification. I need to escape this.
I'm going to run tomorrow morning