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June 30, 2007

It has been harder to practice piano lately. I don't want to do it at all lately, and my head feels as messy as it normally does.

I still am practicing every day. It's just really hard to motivate myself. And I'm not really going over my minimum required amount.

I tried messing around in Logic Pro today and just didn't feel good or creative at all. It's the first time I started a song and then left with literally nothing recorded.

It is my friend's birthday today, and she snapped at me, so I left her alone, and for some reason, the more I sit here, the more shitty I feel about it. I guess it's my birthday now too. She is my internet friend so it should not matter too much. I blocked her. I kind of doubt she'll be the first one to IM me when she sees me online from another name. If I never IM her again, maybe we'll never talk again. Not like it would make a fucking difference to her.

I don't feel like I can learn quickly enough. The weeks seem to be getting shorter. I didn't go to the gym today because I thought my brother was visiting, but he isn't coming until tomorrow, the day of my friend's going away party. So I'll have to be here to greet him/protect my room instead of just leaving for the party as soon as I can. I really just want to leave for the party. I don't want to be here.

I'm really worried about my husky. He was vomiting and shaking yesterday. I took him to the vet, and it turned out he has pancreitis. My mom gave it to him because of all the shit she feeds him. When I was cleaning out the freezer, she kept throwing the stuff to him. And I trusted her. I trusted that she knew best. But she's been so wrong. And now the dog is home, and he is still sluggish. I thought it'd be okay because it's not like he'll magically recover, but the doctor said to call if the husky keeps vomiting, and he is. and it really scares me.

I went outside and just hugged him for a long moment, and he didn't even really react. I hope he doesn't die.

I can't trust my mom when it comes to food it seems, ever. I know she buys bad food, I know she eats it. I know I eat it because it's around me, but I trusted she wouldn't do that to the dog. I trusted that she knew better. I was wrong to trust her. I can't ever trust her when it comes to food. Sometimes I'd ask her if it is okay for the dog to eat something, and she'd say yes. Even if it seemed to me it wasn't. She said it was okay to feed the dog the fat left over from the steaks, but pancreitis comes from eating too much fat, I think. And now my dog is in pain, and I can't take it.

The doctor showed me some numbers, and they ranged from low, to high, and the high numbers were indications of pancreitis. Husky's numbers were double that.