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June 23, 2007

For the first time in a long time, I have stopped going to classes and have started taking just one.
In the time between the last semester and this one, I went into a state of repose. I didn't feel like doing anything, and it was strange. I hardly even got depressed as I sat at home and played video games all day.

I started walking the dogs a little more (though I'm still lazy), and I slowed down so much. Where my mind was frantic and crazy before, it was now in a slow, comfortable crawl.

So I thought about what I'd like to do, and I suppose it led me back to the reason I started taking classes in the first place. I wanted an education in music, and I had to take all these other classes in order to transfer to a place where I could get that.

I registered for a single piano class, and since then, I've been practicing every day and have had a clarity of thought that has been absent so long that I wonder if I've ever felt this way before.

I hate myself less. I don't feel like my mind is rushing to keep up with the world as it swirls around. I feel like I deserve good things.

Today is a bit hectic, and I feel that old franticness again, to a degree. I don't feel like practicing as much as other days, but I will.
It occurs to me that what they call ADHD is really not my disorder. It is how my mind perceives the society I live in, and it's disgusting that I'm expected to drug myself in order to thrive into a certain culture.

It's the same with mainstream society as the people who try to pressure me to drink with them, or constantly bring up the fact that I don't drink. Just another way of making me feel like the impediment is me, and not that my way of dealing with the world is different than theirs.

The society I've tried to adapt to moves quickly, and my thoughts have been wasted on it. Its direction and speed is in a different direction than my own. That's called velocity, right? Or is it momentum. I don't know what it is when something changes. Either way it doesn't make sense.

I've underperformed because I've refused drugs and refused to slow down. And now that I am slowed down, I can think. I can function in my mind. I can understand what's happening. And now it seems like there's nothing wrong with me. Only something wrong when I go to the wrong place.

It was my birthday recently. Hardly anyone knew, but just like last year, I went to a party and pretended it was my birthday celebration and danced and sang.

This birthday is a sort of milestone for me. It is the point where I feel like I've crossed the threshold into being a complete and total loser. The point where I'm supposed to have my shit together. But I don't. And what has happened? I haven't died. I haven't been decapitated. Life continues. And now I am less eager to get toward my goal by any means necessary and am just eager to keep working at it, and get better. I am here now. I am past the scary point. I think, Now I am free.