January 31, 2007|
I feel like everything I can do for fun can be summed up in 1280x1024. And it's not the kind of fun one feels good about. It's the kind of fun one falls back on because there's nothing else to do. Because productivity doesn't feel good enough. Productivity doesn't provide that comfort of doing the same boring empty shit.
The depression I get between semesters has bled over into this semester. I don't think I really care about school. I wanted to transfer out of my dinky school to a big people one so that I could prove something to myself. But the big people one I was thinking of going to isn't that hard to get into. I wouldn't really prove anything.
I'm taking a statistics class in place of my other math classes. With this statistics class, I can get into a big people school, but only a certain kind, not the very impressive ones. And even statistics is hard for me to understand.
I hate math. I like math; I just hate the way it's taught. I feel like if this society were different, if it turned out a different way, I could be good at math. But it's not.
Nothing will be good enough unless I really want it. If I don't want to be in a big people school, truly, then there's no reason to obsess over it, because there will always be someone, always, looking down at me for one reason or another.
I don't want to be only slightly good at many things. I want to be very good at one thing.
My mind is the remnants of trainwreck. It's a mess, but not a very interesting one. The explosion has happened. All that's left are scattered pieces. When I am confronted by reality as you know it, it doesn't make sense. Information is scattered all over the place. So school seems very hard. I have no self-confidence. I feel like I can't remember anything. And school is all about remembering things.
So I'm doing this music thing, almost alone, maybe some help here and there.
The reason I'm stuck in this place in my life is that I'm so frightened of doing anything without someone. I'm afraid to get a job. I'm afraid to start a business. I'm afraid to move forward in this society because I don't have anyone to take my hand and tell me exactly what to do. So I stay in 1280x1024 and jerk off.
There is a very pretty girl who is in one of my classes. I recognize her from the grocery store. I went to the grocery store yesterday and almost had her. I shook so much. I felt like I could barely sign the receipt, let alone say oh hey aren't you in my class. I thought I was somewhat over feeling so nervous, but I guess not.
A male asked if i'd like to move to the next register. I did. I was still shaking even as I worked with him.
Then some girl later averted her eyes like I was disgusting or wrong or something for looking at her.
Then my friend told me to wait 1 1/2 hours for her. Then she wasn't there.
Then I worked out. I'm sick of working out. I wish I had someone to work out with.
Then I got a voicemessage, and I thought it'd be friendly, and maybe it was, but I perceived it as mean, because she sounded mean, but she was just sad.
I've been getting very sad every time I'm away from people, for even a very short time. I'm so dependent on people. I never want to leave them. I think there is something very wrong with my life at this point that I can't be alone without being unhappy.