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September 07, 2006

I went to see CocoRosie. Was looking forward to it. Was looking forward to spending the night with my friend and going to her store with her in the morning to buy art supplies. Because I never buy art supplies. Haven't bought them for myself in years, just for classes, and not too many classes, just been sketching in notebooks with writing pens.
That fell through shortly after I got there, though. Her ex-bf called and happened to be there, and she didn't think too much about it, and allowed him to stay. So I was, somewhat literally, somewhat not, kicked out of bed.
CocoRosie was fun, but not as full of the beauty that's on Noah's Ark as I like. Their show is more hip-hop oriented and more fun and happy and sexual and stuff, and I'm not into it. Not too into hip hop. Not to into sexually liberated women except in a completely dirty and upsetting way. I guess that's my shortcoming.
I feel like Noah's Ark is just this amazing dreamlike construction, and it's obviously not what they dig playing live, and that's cool, just not what I am really into. I think I'd rather listen to the album and draw in my own world.
I ended up next to this horrible man. He called my friend a bitch, but I didn't hear him say that, but if I did I don't know if I would have stood up for her. And I wish that I could say I would. I don't know how to stand up for myself, anyone else, or any principles.
I did refuse to move even though he constantly tried to touch me and move me. Like a disgusting old hairy man. He started by positioning his hand right next to my thigh, as a way of asserting his position, so I put my hand behind is or pushed his away or something, and he went on some passive-aggressive tirade about how he had this spot and he was holding onto it and he'd been there for three sets. And he said nasty things "i don't care about you or what you want" "you're pissing me off and i'm pissing you off so it's fair" so forth. I told him he was spreading negative energy and he said he didn't feel it, which figures, because if you're a completely negative person, nothing will seem out of the ordinary when everyone else is enduring it. later i tried using his hands as an armrest but he wasn't feeling it
Some guy went in front of him, and he got mad at the guy, kept touching him, and the guy was like "why you pushing me? I Like you :)" and I said "I LIKE HIM too but he doesn't like any of us."
truth is. i lied. i didn't like the guy at all. But I figure I can try. I also leaned on him since he was trying to impose himself on me so much, may as well make use of him.
He left before CocoRosie's encore, and that was nice, and they played South 2nd which was good, one of my favorite songs. Then they did gross hip hop Noah's Ark. Not into that but fun anyway.
Uhmmm, so the encore pretty much made the whole night so much better.
And it was made so much better even more when Sierra said goodbye to the audience, and I put my hand out because I saw her being so friendly with the other side of the audience, so I put mine out, and she took it and smiled at me and it was very fast, but it felt very special. Not often lately have I felt so starstruck in such a positive way, just felt so good and happy.
No, I don't think she wants to be my girlfriend, it was just good, a good thing.
I was very bitter on the way back and I told my friend, I told her so much! I was kind of driving like an asshole. She said maybe we should stop humpign. But the humping didn't enter into the issues I was having. It was that I felt that even if this dude is her boyfriend, you don't kick a friend out for the guy, if he shows up unannounced. Eaerlier she suggested we could all sleep in the same bed , no thanksss, I keep my cuddling to close friends, not strange men. she said she couldn't send him back home, but she was sending me back home, and it made me mad
I sang along to Brandi Carlile, and I don't know why, but I actually liked how I SANG. I guess I am usually restrained, but tonight I wasn't, because I was upset and didn't care, and I was able to do everything I wanted to do as I sang along.
My throat hurt a little afterwards, and I felt tired, but I bet if I keep practicing and believe in myself, I can sing pretty well.
I hugged her good bye. I made her bring me my bag out from the house because I knew my anger and the general awkwardness of the situation would show through as I picked up my clothes and stuff from her bed.
Hugged her goodbye and then called her and said I was sorry for not standing up against that pig.
I felt angry and happy and depressed. All at the same time. Like a broken color wheel. Like a color wheel in grayscale. Like a color wheel