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March 23, 2004

Looking and smiling at picture number dcp_0266, of a Shih-Tzu sitting in front of a gate with translucent cover leading to an open-air hallway and it hits me that it will all be old someday. From the conversations I've had recently to the obsessions and infatuations. Knowledge of the future's inevitability is ever-present but there are times it envelopes a person and they become painfully aware of it. Everyone becomes old. I'm not alone.

I was talking to Betty about regular things like music, hair dye and alcohol. I crept around to catch a glimpse of a creature I lust after. I came back here and sat and felt pissed off over how I'm still not living life how I want to live it. I want to love to the hilt, know people, protect them, offer my words of encouragement, be acknowledged.

It's upsetting to think of young people growing old and disappearing or, worse yet, not growing old. I talk to Mark, who still has faith, but I need more than words.