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February 15, 2004

I have been contemplating dying too often. I look at myself and am unnerved by the reality that my skin will be gone and my silly little movements will stop and everyone will be replaced by new ones. For some reason, I envision this future as being similar to Deus Ex: Invisible War. New characters in the same world. New structures constructed. Do I need to make a baby?

Perhaps I envision the future in the form of video games because I interact with them and the thought of suddenly being shut off from these possibilities because my body's functionality has reached full capacity is devastating. Maybe my ideas simply collide with theirs.

Hopefully there is more to life than this. I need to see and feel someone's heart without the obstruction of a rib cage.

I have been regaining my cockiness. It has always been there. Sometimes it would briefly break through the layers of self-loathing to be swiftly mashed down again.

I am on drugs and that is why.